


Forbidden Attachments

by TearoomSaloon



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, And a lot of Ben being sappy, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Forbidden Love, Hurt/Comfort, Jedi Rey, Senator Ben Organa, angst angst angst, some are nice, some are not nice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-06-06 14:35:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6758026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TearoomSaloon/pseuds/TearoomSaloon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Senator and the Jedi were not supposed to become familiar, but the fruit of a forbidden tree tastes that much sweeter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Remember Me

**Author's Note:**

> This exists because I'm a sucker for character relations and want to play around in the "Ben becomes a senator like his mother before him and Rey is a Jedi, because the Jedi still exist" sandbox. That, and the forbidden romance trope is my downfall.
> 
> I am going to try to update this on Sundays, with chapter 12 the first one to fit that new schedule
> 
>  
> 
> Solarfugue did the first artwork of a Senator Ben, so the credit to this AU goes to her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard, so hard, to want what you can't have.
> 
> Rating: M  
> Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Comfort sex, so much pining, you're gonna feel really sad

_It is forbidden to form attachments._

Forbidden, as dictated by the Jedi Code. Forbidden, as instructed by her master, the High Council, the ancient texts. No family, no marriage, no fulfillment. Sex, perhaps, but no love. Nothing lasting lest judgment be skewed in a time of war or conflict and havoc befalls the Order.

It was impossible to have full control of emotions when one was rash and naïve. It was impossible for her, for she walked a dangerous line between what the council wanted and what one of the old Masters had taught. Grey, to her, was comfort, but to her elders it was trouble.

Tension with the First Order was on a steady rise and the Jedi without padawans were being assigned to protect the senators. Their numbers were small and appointments were given only to those deemed high risk of assassination. If she weren't to form attachments, she should not have been given his file and told to watch his life with her own.

He was dark-haired and tall, always dressed in long robes with intricate designs and dead languages. Some said he was a Force-sensitive himself, never trained for fear of his roots. Some said he was a dead-end, his mother's abilities coming to a halt in him.

She knew better than to ask.

He spoke gently with a soft voice and had a gait longer than she could meet at a casual pace. Beads swam around his carefully angled face and merged down into the collar of his coats. His nose was crooked and his ears were too big, but his flaws vanished with the meticulous tailoring of his outfits.

This was Senator Organa, prince of a collapsed planet. Heir of a culture remembered only in texts and aging minds. She knew he stared solemnly into the Coruscanti sky at night, forever despondent from the loss of something he could never come to know.

It was the tired sadness under the graceful expressions that ensnared her first. He opened like a flower to the moon before her once in twilight, his petals washed out by a bleak light. He was so exhausted. He was so _lonely_. He left his family behind to carry on his duties to his planet and system, finding himself scared and abandoned in a foreign world. He was intimidating, had yet to make good friends aside from two, and he ached for companionship.

She had to refuse. It was forbidden to form attachments. And if she so much as dared to touch his skin, there would be no hope for her to remain a neutral party.

In the third month, she discovered his Force sensitivity. He was not a Jedi like she, but he was strong, he was powerful. The broadness of his chest made sense now since he'd been raised to protect himself. He wore a mask around his gift and had only lowered it in a moment of weakness. She walked in on him cradling a locket with a small holo projected from its silver face. An image of his family, his friends he'd left behind. He looked up through wet eyes and gave her a tiny shove out the door without moving from his desk.

From the room adjacent, she heard the noise of distress. He had revealed himself to her, another user.

She keyed her way into his office, overriding his lock. Pallor stained his features, draining him down. Her voice was as soft as she could manage. "Senator Organa?"

"Please don't tell."

She kept her promise. Not a word or thought was passed about his status, his fearfully strong connection to the Force. Perhaps his mother had taught him to shield it—a precaution for living deep within the Jedi's nest. Perhaps he had taught himself, or was nervous of the implications of his power. Would others see him as a threat, if he revealed his abilities? A Force sensitive in the Senate could not be a welcomed possibility.

By the fifth month, she touched him.

It had taken every ounce of strength she possessed not to do so sooner. Her heart fractured to see him hunched over his work, wet salted stains streaking his cheeks. He was not thriving here. His arguments, she heard in passing, were brilliant, as had been his mother's and grandmother's before him. He was a natural born leader with a fair and just heart. Politically, he was more competent and successful than anyone could have hoped.

Internally, though, he was shattering. She had her fellow Jedi to surround her in a time of emotional crisis, but he had no one. She was there for his protection, not to be his friend. That's why, she reasoned, her slipup could be justified. This was to protect him emotionally, to soothe a fear.

She sat across from him and laid her hands atop his. "You can talk to me if you need to," she said slowly, fighting the urge to run circles over his smooth skin.

"I thought they didn't want us to be familiar?"

"You're hurting. I'm sure they won't mind."

He sighed deeply and drew away to move the datapad he had been working with. His hands came back to her with fingers splayed, lacing hers with his. A roar like a power surge thundered across her nerves, making her stomach flip. Her skin tingled where his was warm against it.

It was so easy to touch after that night. She became a comfort to him, something she would not trade after learning how much his skin affected hers. He would brush against her shoulder and she would feel as though someone had dumped rocket fuel down her back and torched her. It was exhilarating, and she knew the moment anyone caught on, she would be yanked from his side.

They touched as friends would at first, with hugs and a reassuring squeeze of the hand. Platonic, nothing more, she told herself. She chanted this mantra as she nodded off in her small cot, the thought of him causing a fever to start burning in her stomach.

One particularly bad evening—his mother's birthday—they sat on the couch in the room beside his office and she let him rest his head on her shoulder. It was a ridiculous sight considering how much larger he was than she, but it calmed him and for that she would make every sacrifice. She ran a hand through his silky, silky hair and he pressed his face closer against her neck. His breath tickled her collarbone and sent little pricks of her own loneliness up her spine. She was never to be allowed any more than this comfort she provided. They could touch no further—this was nearing a line she was never supposed to cross. It ached, to think she could never be emotionally intimate with another being.

He moved from her body too soon for her liking. He apologized and excused himself, leaving her cold and forgotten. She shook out her nerves and moved to stand guard in front of his chamber doors. He would be leaving for his apartment soon and she would then return to her rooms and shed one or two tears in the grief of knowing what could never pass.

They did not touch for four months.

She could barely look at him, knowing what she wanted, how wrong it was for her to crave his affection. More than once she had found herself in the Coruscanti slums, paying fees at numerous brothels to clear the feeling from her head. None of it felt as good as it used to. None of it was exciting anymore. There was a hole in her chest and to fill it required more than carnal satisfaction.

He was too busy to pay her much mind, or so she told herself. She shut down all avenues that made observations on his body language, his expressions, even anything past the literal meanings of the words he said to her. She became stoic and cold as a stone, serving her duties without a fraction of a smile.

There were two attempts made on his life during their period of distantness. She stopped both before he could be made aware of the danger. If he were to know, he could reach out to her, something she could not allow. He could no longer seek comfort in her or she'd break the Code.

In the tenth month of his appointment, he entirely lost composure.

Something had gone wrong, either on the Senate floor or at home—she couldn't tell, could only feel his pulsing rage. She rushed into his rooms as quickly as possible, darting around obstacles and making it to the other side of the Senate House at breakneck speed. She forced entry into his chambers to find broken glass and toppled furniture scattered across the floor. His outer robes were cast aside and his traditional ornamentation was missing. His teeth were bared and his face was red in anger, fingers curled into claws. The Force swam around him like a dark tide.

"Senator Organa," she said through a cracking voice, "is everything all right?"

"Ben. It's _Ben_. I've told you a hundred times over to call me _Ben_."

He dropped his arms and objects that had been suspended in the air landed hard with crashes scattered through the room.

"Are you hurt?"

"In a sense."

She cringed and stepped around the debris to him, staying a respectable distance away from his snarling anger. "Someone will have heard this."

"Tell them you stopped an attempt on my life but the assailant got away. Lie, or I will."

"Let me help you, please."

He nodded and his shoulders fell. A sigh forced its way from his lungs and he curled in on himself, curled in around her. His hug was fierce and tight, locking her hard against the crumbling pillar of his body. She held him loosely, her arms barely touching the fabric of his tunic.

With another sigh he pulled away from her enough for their eyes to meet. His strayed to her lips, waiting all of a short second before he leaned in. And kissed her. He kissed her.

It was soft, short, and shallow. It ended as soon as it had begun, as if his senses returned from the contact. He knew he wasn't supposed to. He knew, he knew—

He shot away from her like wildfire. "Forgive me, I acted without thinking."

"You can't do that." She was shaking. Her stomach was going to boil over. The emotions she'd been denying for months came crawling up and threatened to burst from her lungs. She _wanted_ to do that again, do it _forever_.

"I…I understand. It was a foolish action out of weakness. It won't happen again."

He let her leave, her arms crossed over her chest, her shoulders brought together. She wasn't about to let him see the devastation on her face, the utter loss that hit her harder now that she knew how sweet the wine tasted.

She held herself together with sheer willpower that evening, meditating into the night to clear everything from her mind. It was impossible, however, to stop thinking of him. To stop the aching loss building thickly in her throat. Impossible not to stop one sob from raking its way out of her ribcage and settle into empty air.

It was forbidden to form attachments, but dammit, she already had. She was breaking the Code by pining, breaking it by not saying a word. She had to stay on top of her better judgment, to make decisions that were logical, not heartfelt.

She was slipping up more though. Not even a week went by before they were touching again, standing shoulder to shoulder, fingers brushing, eyes full of pain and longing. She was in pain from wanting him. He longed to hold her tightly.

"We need to stop this," she told him when he settled too closely beside her on the sofa. Their knees touched, their shoulders were pressed together. "I'm going to request a different assignment."

"You want to leave me?"

"I can't break the Code. I'm already starting to, and I can't keep doing it."

"I'll miss you terribly when you go."

She dared a glance at his face. He looked broken, upset beyond all measure, exactly as she felt inside. Deciding one poor action couldn't make this any worse, she laid her head against his shoulder, feeling a forlorn shiver run down her back as his cheek met her crown.

"I want this to be acceptable, but it's not," she said softly. "I wish these rules didn't exist."

"But they do. I can't ask you to leave the Order for me."

"I wouldn't expect you to. Just know I'm doing this because I…I have to. I don't want to."

"I know."

"Can you forgive me?"

The weight on her skull lifted and she felt him press a tiny kiss to the top of her head. "Of course."

"In another life, perhaps we could have…"

"Been together. Openly affectionate instead of hiding it the dark."

"Would you kiss me again if I asked?"

"Until the stars burned out."

She moved from his shoulder then, turning to face him. His smile was sad as he cupped her cheek, pulling her gently closer. His lips were sweet and warm. Softer than she'd been dreaming of, softer than she remembered. He nipped lightly at her bottom lip and she opened to him when his tongue ran to soothe over the spot. He tasted _wonderful_. Her fingers locked deeply into his decorated hair and she tugged him down on top of her.

He broke away with a panicked expression. "Do you want…?"

"If it's the only chance we'll get, don't you?" She covered her face, realizing. "Force, we shouldn't though."

"We shouldn't have done many things. What's one more log on the fire?"

"Against the rules. But…" She brushed his fringe from his face. His eyes glittered like small stars. He was so fragile, so…beautiful. The thought choked her, knowing he'd never be hers.

"But we should be allowed to have this for ourselves. A reminder."

He relaxed above her, his body lining up with hers. To kiss him was to sacrifice herself, and she would burn every inch of her skin for him. To feel his delicate lips against the column of her throat was enough to placate the loneliness for the night. He struggled with her robes as much as she struggled with his. There was no frenzy to their actions, though, no overpowering need that shot off like they were committing a crime. They were, but it was a gentle action, something smooth and tender.

 _Intimate_.

It was intimate. Emotionally, physically. She rested her hands on the bare skin of his shoulders and she knew at that moment she would never be the same. She would never recover from him fully, never come back to a state of mind where he was not an important presence in her life. He was so beautiful, but in this moment, all that mattered was their feelings, their hidden wants and needs.

He covered her fully with the heat of his skin and she brought her legs around his waist. It was incredible to hold him so close, to feel the tickle of his dark hair against her chest as he kissed a line down from her clavicle. Grumbling with the lack of room, he sat up and removed the back cushions before propping one of her legs over the back of the sofa.

His lips met the crease where her thigh met her hip and she gasped, scrambling for one of his hands to lace into hers. He chuckled into her skin as he moved upwards, pressing kisses until he reached her knee, switching to do the same on the other side.

She squeezed hard at his fingers when he dipped to taste her. He remained only a moment before returning to his place in her arms. They kissed once, twice, before he moved her legs to lock around his shoulders, pressing down into her as slowly and gently as he could manage.

It was like seeing stars stretch on for eons, to know he was the one pressed so closely inside her. It was he above her, painting the ceiling of her world. Him, his lips hovering over her forehead, his breath mixing with hers. Ben, wonderful Ben. It took everything she had not to collapse in his hold, against his body. Everything she had not to break open.

He kissed her fiercely through the wave of her pleasure, his following soon after. Something connected within them then, something permanent and neverending. She could feel his emotions slide into her from somewhere in the Force, knew he could sense hers as well. He was everything to her right now, everything she would ever want and maybe more.

Tears came to her eyes when he settled next to her—on top of her, really, for there was little space on the sofa for them both. "I don't want to go."

"I don't want you to either."

"But I should. If I want to keep any integrity…"

"Rey."

She opened her eyes at her name, watched the dark pools of his irises as his gaze flicked across her.

"We'll always have this. I'll always have the memory of you."

"It'll hurt, though. You know it will."

"So it'll be painful, but that won't stop it from being comforting, stop the ache of being alone. I won't forget that I had you, if only for a moment."

His eyes were wet too and she swiped a fallen tear away with a thumb. "I won't forget, either."

They laid still for a half hour, listening to their breathing, their heartbeats. She was reluctant to rise and he was reluctant to let her go. He straightened out her robes and hair when she was clothed again, ready to depart into the growing night and return to her bunk.

He didn't bother with his outer robes as he said goodbye at the door. No one would be wandering at this hour.

"Don't be afraid to say hello, if we run into each other again."

She nodded, her arms snaking around his neck. She didn't want to leave. "I won't, I promise."

"I feel incredible to have been able to know you."

"And I you."

They kissed once more, sadly and slowly, neither wanting to part.

"Goodnight, Rey."

His office door slid gently closed as she departed down the hallway. She wouldn't forget their brief comfort in the shadows, wouldn't forget the smile he gave only to her. She played the night over and over again in her head until she fell into a dark sleep. In her dreams, he kissed just as softly, but in dreams, they never had to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kinda mad at how much I love this concept...
> 
> This was goddamn heartbreaking and the next one will not be as sad.


	2. Talk is Cheap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you can say it without words, say it without words.
> 
> Rating: T  
> Tags: Fluff, cuteness overload, love confessions

He felt like he was sitting on his hands for hours. Hours upon hours, waiting anxiously, even after the vote for this goddamn bill had concluded. It wasn't something that affected his system but he felt compelled to sit around and wait for the conclusion, and after that he lingered too long, not wanting to show up to an empty apartment. Politics could be dull. Politics could be _unbearably_ dull, and it was a surprise he decided to follow these footsteps, not ones of war heroes and tainted glory.

The memory of what set his path in stone bubbles up with another yawn. He was young as early morning sunlight, but he remembered the day well.

 

 _"I am not my father!" Leia's voice roared through the room. She stood before the Rebellion's high government, the basis of how the New Republic would be built. And they couldn't see a damn inch in front of their noses. "He didn't raise me, he was_ never _a figure in my life—that was Bail. The blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb."_

_"We're sorry, Senator Organa, but you and your son—"_

_"Leave my boy the_ hell _out of this. He's five, Mon._ Five _."_

_Mon Mothma looked like she wanted to sigh and rub her temples. "We can't risk the implications if this information gets out to the public. How will that look for us? The daughter of Darth Vader spearheading the new Senate."_

_Leia crossed her arms, teeth bared. She was blazing, but Mon was right—things would sour almost immediately. She needed, first and foremost, to protect Ben. "If I leave, step down and don't look back, you have to promise to_ never _mention this again. Never bring it back up."_

_"I think that would be a reasonable trade."_

_Ben clung tighter to Han's shirt. They were outside the room, Han having left to tend to Ben's crying. The boy was getting bigger and more curious, but he was still so sensitive to Leia's anger._

_"I thought mommy didn't have a daddy."_

_"We all have dads, kid. Your mother's passed away before you were born."_

_"But the white lady is saying that mommy's daddy is Darth Vader. That can't be true."_

_Han sighed and set Ben down, kneeling so they were eye to eye. "Listen, Sport, Mon is telling the truth. They're talking about your grandpa."_

_Ben made a face. "But he's evil and mommy's not evil."_

_"He wasn't always so bad, if Threepio's anything to go by."_

_"Was Grandma also evil?"_

_"No, Sport. Not at all."_

_His parents were yelling again that night. They yelled a lot, but it was usually about dumb stuff and ended in laughter. Tonight, though, their voices were hard. He listened from the landing, all but sticking his head through the bannister's beams._

_"You_ told _him, Han?" Leia hissed._

_"He's going to find out sooner or later. Isn't it better to let him know these things now? Before he gets some crazy preconceived notion? You know he will—his imagination is crazy, even for a kid."_

_"I wanted to tell him at the right moment. When he was a little older."_

_"There's no right moment with these things, Sweetheart. It's do or die."_

_Ben scrambled down the stairs and poked his head into the kitchen. It was way past his bedtime, but this was important. "I want to meet Grandma."_

_Leia's eyes widened and she turned to Han. "We can't…"_

_"She's been gone for a long time now, Sport."_

_"Who was she?"_

_She was Padmé Amidala, born Naberrie and secretly married Skywalker. Leia was at a loss for words about her mother, having never met. She'd found Sola, her aunt, after the Battle of Endor, but both had been too emotional to exchange much but tears and hugs._

_She took Ben to Theed. Down the many halls in the Royal Palace was a long wing of portraiture. The painting of a solemn but beautiful young woman sat above a plaque, declaring her Padmé, a Naboo Queen and later Senator._

_Ben's eyes blew up to the size of small moons. "That's Grandma?"_

_"That's my mother, yes, your grandmother. A fair and kind heart, something so rare in the world of politics."_

 

It was Padmé, not Vader, who caught Ben's full attention as a child. She was what he wanted to become, strong and fair, helpful to all who needed him. It, too, was Padmé's bad decisions he followed after. She fell in love with a Jedi during a time of war, never knowing if he were safe, if he would come back to the forbidden place at her side.

Ben found himself falling in love with a Jedi as well, also during a time of conflict, also worrying if she were okay, safe, and on her way back to him, a place she shouldn't be.

It was she he was waiting up for, sitting on his damn hands, anxious as could be. He hated how difficult it was to sense her when she was lightyears away, how distant their Force bond felt.

Oh, yes, that. It was a strange thing he'd come to welcome warmly whenever she reminded him it existed. Forged accidentally on a night they thought would be their last, he was grateful for the direct link to her. He was also extremely grateful they were both so weak-willed when it came to denying comfort.

A speeder's engine died on the landing pad outside Ben's apartment and his heart leaped straight up his throat. He quit his pacing to approach the glass doors that shielded the living room from Coruscant's loud outer air. A figure in brown and white hopped from the cockpit and he fumbled to unlock the door.

Rey stepped over the threshold, grin big on her face when he swept her tightly into his arms. "Hey! I need my lungs to breathe, you know!"

He loosened his grip and buried his face in her neck, nipping at her skin. She smelled of engine oil and sweat—she'd come straight from her debriefing to him. "I missed you."

"I know you did; so did I." She wriggled from his arms, still smiling her enormous smile.

"How was your mission?"

"Long." She'd been gone for a full month. "I'll tell you about it after I hit the 'fresher."

He pecked her cheek, certain he had that stupid dreamy look in his eyes. "All right."

She rolled her eyes and pulled him down hard against her lips. She kissed like a fever dream, causing heat to roll through his stomach and down to his toes. The way she held onto him as if she were clinging for air…gods, it never ceased to speed up the sensation of falling in love with her.

He was so hopeless for this girl.

"I'd like a proper hello next time I come back after being gone so long."

Ben gave her a suggestive smile and cocked an eyebrow. "I thought the 'proper hello' came after a shower?"

"Now I'll have to shower _twice_."

She returned to the kitchen in a half-hour's time, her damp hair on a towel across her shoulders and her skin smelling of his soaps. If he were more possessive, he'd shiver from the sight of her in his pajamas. But he knew she was his and his alone, and his beasts remained tame and quiet in his ribs.

Rey, however, could never keep her hands off him. She stepped around the island and wrapped her arms around his waist as he worked at the stove. Her cheek was warm against his back, heat drifting through the loose fabric of his shirt.

"Have you eaten yet?"

"I grabbed something vaguely edible before I came over. I'll have a little of whatever you're making though."

Her voice reverberated through his ribs and he warmed at the feeling. It was getting ridiculous how gooey she made him feel. Gooey and less lonely. Loved. Ben twisted around in her arms and dipped to pepper kisses across her cheeks. It was wonderful to have her home, to be less alone.

"What's this onslaught for?" she asked around a mouthful of laughter.

"Existing." He placed a sweeter kiss on the space between her brows. "Coming back in one piece."

"Neither of those is worth this attack."

"I have something I want to talk with you about that might change your mind."

"Can it wait until after dinner?"

She ate like a starved animal with no table manners and had clearly been raised in a zoo.

"Maybe it's a good thing we have to hide."

"Ben, it's been nothing but a terrible thing."

"But if this were allowed, I'd be taking you to galas and you'd terrify guests with your eating habits."

"It's not my fault they don't serve us anything that could pass for food."

 

She nodded off at dinner in the middle of explaining the details of her mission. One second she was gesticulating wildly, eyes lit up like stars, and the next her head hit the counter and she was out _cold_. He had to chuckle a little, knowing this was one of those weird quirks of hers, pushing herself to an unyielding limit until her body couldn't stay awake any longer.

He lifted her gently from her chair and held her close to his chest as he ascended the stairs to his bedroom. She didn't so much as stir when he tucked her under the sheets, continued to snore as he went through his nightly routine. She stuttered to life when he crawled in beside her and put a small kiss on her forehead.

"I am too tired for a proper hello," she said softly into the pillow.

"I'm very aware. I didn't even get to hear the end of your story."

"It's not a _story_ , Ben." She snaked an arm around his neck and yawned. "It happened. It really did. You can ask Finn. Or don't, actually, he'll question why you know."

"Sleep, silly, or someone will question why _you_ look like hell in the morning."

"But you had that thing to tell me, the one that would change my mind about your need to sporadically kiss my face to death."

"On second thought, it might make you feel worse."

"Now you _have_ to tell me."

His throat felt thicker. "I think it's something I have to show you."

Rey opened an eye to study his face. "I'm not leaving the bed."

"You don't have to."

He ran his fingers slowly down her cheek, soothing her skin before he cupped her jaw. Leaning in, he kissed her in the most tender way he knew how, letting some of his emotions escape their hold and wash over her through their bond, cascading like a tide on her skin. It was she who deepened the kiss, fingers coming to rest in his hair after gliding up the back of his neck.

"You make me feel incredible," he said softly after he broke them apart. "I feel wonderful around you, like you've somehow changed my entire outlook on things."

"I feel less lonely when you're near." She stroked her thumb over his cheekbone. "Something about you feels like home."

"You _are_ home."

"Say what it is you need to."

"I think you know."

"Say it anyway. It becomes more real when you say it out loud."

He kissed her again for another long minute to calm now-jittery nerves. Their foreheads pressed together, he gave himself into the void. "I'm falling for you, hard. Have been for ages. And I don't think I'll ever stop."

"Say the damn word, Ben."

"I'm falling in love with you."

Her voice was soft when she finally spoke. "How hard?"

"I didn't think it was possible to love someone this much before you, before now. And I'm so frightened of what'll happen if we get caught. I don't _ever_ want to have to stop feeling this way for you, towards you."

"I've been falling in love with you since the first time we kissed."

"It took so long for that to happen, didn't it?"

She smiled, eyes growing heavy. "Almost a year."

"That was way too long."

"We were both fraying at the seams. We were afraid— _I_ was afraid. I still am. But it's okay, because whatever happens, we'll make it through, right?"

He hadn't a clue. "They'll have to pull me kicking and screaming from you, if anyone ever dares."

"They'll have to go through me first."

She made a small sound, almost like a hum, and was almost instantly back asleep. He stayed awake another few minutes, rubbing circles into the skin of her shoulder. He would never leave her side willingly. He would _never_ let them go back to being so alone.

 

She roused him too early in the morning, giving him a soft kiss goodbye before hurrying back to the Temple. Something about a promise to meet later was voiced in the hazy dawn, but he barely heard her words, rolling back over into dreams. He passed by her later while he was at work, his full senatorial robes gliding like foam over water behind his stride. Her eyes trailed him a slow moment, brimmed with pride before her tiny smile vanished, she nodded to him in greeting—as was appropriate—and vanished to guard her new charge. A slight pain stabbed through his ribs, had been pricking at him since she'd gone for reassignment. It was soothed over by a gentle wave of the Force, her touch still reaching for him after they'd parted.

He sent a small rush of comfort back, trying in vain to hide his blush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chet Faker is....glorious. The [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP_-P_BS6KY) this is titled from is also glorious.


	3. Confess, Confess, Confess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn't want to make the same mistakes of the past, and for that, he has to take a risk.
> 
> Rating: mild af  
> Tags: Family bonding, the Talk, this chapter is all about Leia and Ben

_I fear I'm starting to do something really reckless, granddad-level reckless,_ the transmission said, _so I'm coming to talk to you about it. I'm off for this weekend anyway, figured it might be nice to say hello._

Leia played the words over and over in her head, waiting less than patiently for her son to land somewhere on the Resistance's new base—they'd had to relocate recently out of fear of being discovered. The First Order was climbing steadily to a place of unwarranted power, and it was best for a grassroots movement like their own to stay out of sight.

She paced endlessly through the main hanger, knowing he was supposed to have shown up a half hour ago. Knowing he was coming bearing what sounded like _horrible_ news. What good could come out of something he described as a mistake akin to Vader?

A stark white ship was cleared to land at the one runway furthest from her. She made a quick exit and sped almost gracelessly down the hall, arriving on the tarmac in time to see Ben descend from the gangway. He didn't look as stately as she'd been seeing on the HoloNet, sporting a worn brown leather flight jacket and scuffed black boots. This was Ben, not the regal figure who played guard dog in the Senate house.

"You have a _lot_ to explain," Leia warned when she was pulled into a hug. She'd forgotten how tall he was, taller than his father.

He squeezed tightly before letting go. "I realized after I sent that message that my wording was terrible. I didn't mean to scare you; I'm not in any physical danger."

She cocked an eyebrow. "But you're in danger?"

"In the sense that you'll scold me because I'm an idiot, yes." He looked around nervously. "Is Dad home?"

"He's off with Chewie. We're having difficulties securing reliable transports."

"Good. He'll make fun of me for this. Can we go somewhere more…private?"

They returned to her quarters, mulling over aimless small talk while she made a pot of caf out of habit. She drank the stuff any temperature as long as it was black, but Ben wouldn't touch it if it weren't warm and the lightest of browns. He'd always been picky about food and had yet to grow out of his old habits.

"Now," she started, sitting across from him at the breakfast table, "you're going to talk."

"This is embarrassing, but…" He sighed, staring down at the cup in his hands. "Have you talked to Threepio about my grandparents?"

"I asked when the whole mess started to brew after the war, but not much, no. Your grandfather isn't one of my favorite people."

"I did when I was a lot younger. I asked him about them a lot. He has their wedding stored on his memory banks."

Leia couldn't stop the cringe. She didn't want to see Vader humanized, had yet to forgive his sins after all these years. It was his fault Ben was in constant danger. "Is there a reason you're bringing this up?"

Her son looked a little green, anxious and embarrassed by whatever he was holding back. He had grown up from being overly cautious and nervous about the world, but sometimes he reverted back to his childhood fearfulness. "He was a Jedi, Grandma was a senator, they married in secret—"

"Are you trying to tell me you've gotten _married_ behind my back?"

"No!" He was red now. "No, not at all! I'd—Force, Mom, I'd _tell_ you before it came to that. I'm here right now trying to tell you I'm doing something I really _shouldn't_ be, something _terribly_ against the rules."

"You're _engaged?_ "

Ben dragged his hands through his hair. " _No._ I'm—I think I'm…imfallinginlovewithajedi."

"You have to speak slower."

"I'm in love with a Jedi. There. _There!_ "

Leia scrubbed at her eyes. " _Ben—"_

"I'm sorry, it's really awful."

"Do they _know?_ "

"Of course she _knows_. If it weren't for the Force bond—"

"Those aren't common outside of families, except when…" She frowned. Oh gods. "You didn't—"

He was positively crimson, trying to hide beneath his messy hair.

" _Ben Solo._ "

"I'm _sorry._ I'm an idiot, I'm sorry."

"You _can't_."

"I know. Gods, I know. It was a really stupid decision. This is all a really stupid decision."

"Then why are you still making it?"

"Because I do love her." His voice became soft, his head resting in his hands. "She makes me so happy but it's so _wrong_ , what we're doing. Why does it always seem to work out that the best things hurt the most?"

It was…crushing to see her boy like this, his heart knotted and twisted on his sleeve. They'd had the feelings talk years ago when he came home with a crush on one of his classmates—she and Han never did figure out which one—but she didn't suspect they'd be having the _love_ talk anytime soon. Ben was career-oriented without a moment to slow down. Was she supposed to tell him to do the right thing, or to follow his heart? Would it be hypocritical to tell him to listen to logic?

"Things that hurt are things important to us. If it doesn't hurt, then it doesn't mean much. But if it's painful to breathe—"

"Then it's one of the things you hold most dear. The thought of having to leave her is suffocating."

"You're still young, honey. You've got time to fall in love again—"

"I'm twenty-five. You met Dad at eighteen."

He had her there.

Leia gave a slow, low sigh, unsure of what to say.

"Is this what it felt like for you, when Dad was trapped in carbonite?"

"Might have been a little worse because we thought he might wind up dead."

"She's one of Uncle Luke's best fighters. If she's off world at any given moment, she's doing retcon against the First Order. Every _day_ she's gone, I worry she'll get killed. Or she'll lose a limb. Or come back not herself. I'm always worried."

…He might be having it worse.

"And that's why I said it was reckless. This is what Grandma and Grandpa did. They kept it secret and it tore them apart. I don't want this to eat me away into nothing. I don't want to hide forever, and I don't want to feel trapped. You have to promise not to tell Uncle Luke under any circumstances."

"I promise." She could do that much for her boy.

He exhaled in relief. "I've been holding that in forever now. It feels good to talk about it, even if it's a reminder of how forbidden it is."

"Can I ask what her name is?"

"I feel I shouldn't say, just incase you and Luke accidentally pass information. I want to tell you more about her, but…I shouldn't. I really do not want to jeopardize her position with the Order."

"You did that by telling me, though."

"I'm taking a risk to prevent a potential fallout. I know I can come talk to you if I'm having problems."

Leia nodded. "You can always talk to me."

 

Ben slipped off that evening to find the friends he'd left in the Resistance when he won his campaign. That was fine with Leia—her curiosity was encouraging her to do some snooping. She was flicking through old HoloNet News broadcasts, looking for anything that could give up the identity of this girl. If nothing else, she was deeply interested in knowing which of the young Jedi girls had caught her son's eye to the point where he was so painfully smitten.

She paused a transmission from four months ago, something piquing her interest. Ben was delivering a speech about a bill that had yet to be ratified. He was dressed in incredibly rich Delayan-styled robes and it tugged awfully on her nostalgia, his manner of dress so similar to that of her homeworld. Behind him stood other Senate members and a handful of Jedi who were also being impacted by the bill's implications. One stood out amongst the others.

She was fair and tall, dark brown hair pulled back into three neat knots. Her lightsaber hung in full view on her belt and she kept her arms folded behind her back. It was her gaze that caught Leia's attention.

It was not impossible to imagine Ben had admirers. He was a young attractive bachelor in a position of some power, things that tended to attract women. But this girl…this girl had _pride_ in her eyes. She beamed at Leia's son, knowing not an eye would be cast upon her. Her expression wasn't one of unrequited pining, but of contentedness, of already having what she wanted. Leia rewound the clip, watching the girl closely. Not long before the expression broke on the girl's face, Ben had flickered his gaze towards her, a smile small enough to miss on his lips for no longer than a second.

That was her, then. That was the girl he was risking his career for. She was beautiful in a plain, understated way; a girl who grew more beautiful the longer she was admired. Leia too felt proud from the way the girl looked at her son, the fact that he was worth enough to her that she put her duty on the line for him.

Ben was right; she was one of Luke's better protégées, having already completed her trials. She'd shown up on the HNN more than once before, a hero of daring feats; Leia knew her name.

She called Han, surprised when his visage came across her holoprojector.

"Miss me already, Sweetheart?"

"You wish. You owe me a hundred credits."

"For _what?_ "

"Fifty because he's not gay, fifty because he's fallen in love before he turned thirty."

Ah, the old bets. The old bets made when Ben was fifteen and seemed far too close to Kes Dameron's boy for them to be 'just friends.' Han might have been a gambling man, but Leia _never_ lost.

Han rolled his eyes. "Does he have some tabloid girlfriend I'll be seeing all over the HoloNet in a few days? Because that doesn't count for either bet."

"You've seen the girl, but you'll never see them together."

"Then how do _you_ know?"

"He's told me. We can talk about it when you get home."

"Girlfriend doesn't mean 'not gay.'"

"That's exactly what it means. He can't be gay if he's in love with a woman, Han, that goes against the _entire_ concept."

• • •

Poe tossed fifty credits at Ben's chest, the ingots bouncing before hitting the floor with a small _clink_. He groaned. "I cannot _believe_ your parents actually bet about _that_."

He and Ben sat outside Leia's quarters, listening in to her conversation with Han. They'd made the bet almost ten years ago. It wasn't fair—Ben had the upper hand, he knew his parents liked to make wagers over the most inane things.

"They've taken bets over what I'd want for dinner some nights. They like competing but if Mom doesn't win, it all goes to hell."

"We were sneaking about building droids and joyriding various hotwired ships and they thought we were _making out_." Poe laughed. "Jeez. My parents never even asked about the excess engine grease in my hair."

"I'm pretty sure your parents _knew_ what we were doing, just didn't say a word about it. Your mom at least knew my mom would skin me if she found out."

"They were good about letting us run around as long as no one got hurt."

"Most of the time, at least."

"So." Poe folded his arms. "Who's the girl?"

"I really can't say."

"Leave for the big fancy senate and can't even talk to your best friend anymore?"

"No, come on, you know me better than that. I'd tell you if I could, but I can't."

"A mysterious lady of the night?"

Ben shivered. "Poe, I'm not seeing a prostitute."

"I'll just insert the image of a gungan whenever I hear something about her."

" _No_. Force, I'm going to have nightmares about it now."

"Or you could just tell me."

He sighed. "I trust that you wouldn't tell, but I can't. No one should even know she exists, but I felt guilty not telling my mother and…I can't. She's too important to me to risk her getting taken away. The less people know, the better."

Poe gave him a hard look, his eyes softening when he spoke. "When you can tell, I get to be the first to know."

"If I can ever tell, then yes. Deal. You don't even have to ask."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's nothing of them interacting here, but I wanted to set the scene for his relationship with Leia.  
> What an awful way to tell ya mum ya banged a girl, wow.
> 
> Ben is the senator representing Delaya, the only remaining planet in the Alderaan system that supports life. Of course, this is a little heartbreaking to Leia, since it's so close to her home and yet so far from seeing him where he should be, where they both belong.
> 
> He's also younger here because I'm retconning the events after the war, making Leia too involved with government at first to have a kid.
> 
> NO MORE WRITING, TIME FOR FINALS.


	4. Plant a Garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She bloomed under his hands and withered away from his light. The flowers had to die if she were to make things right again, if she wanted to stop breaking the Code.
> 
> She would be damned if she let anything happen to this garden.
> 
> Rating: M  
> Tags: This is pretty word vomit, all of it, comfort sex, light angst, a lot of mutual pining  
> Note: Immediately follows Remember Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had six amazing hours of exams yesterday, came home, and wrote this because my brain just was not there anymore.  
> It turns out taking that many tests helps to write really...pretty yet weird metaphors.

It took one, two, three weeks for it to start up again.

Her transfer went through with ease. After the political fallout from five years back, the Jedi Order had started to prepare for the upcoming eruption of conflict—for it would come, there was no doubting the First Order's power-hungry mantra and actions. The Jedi were not politicians, but they had to stand up for the noble cause; it was only right.

And because of the growing need to militarize, she had been granted her transfer. She requested placement in the field in addition to serving time on Coruscant, flitting between reconnaissance and tactical training. They needed her out there for she was one of the top students to have finished her trials. She was a full Jedi and the galaxy was short on hands.

She was nervous to go. Had to, had to forget him, put this all behind her and step forward. She was a Jedi like her elders before her, her master, and a long line of important peacekeepers and pacifiers lost to history. This was a burden she bore for the galaxy, for the existence of harmony. The Force accepted her at her birth and the stars had laid her path. There was no reason to stray, to wander from her carved fate.

It was still a great pain, to know what she would leave behind.

They didn't see each other until the day she departed. It felt odd to be separate from him for the first time since they'd met. His life was no longer her charge and it would be suspicious for her to be around him to excess. He was busy. He was always busy. He made no effort to seek her out and she made every effort to avoid him. Her heart bled a little more with each passing day.

She was called into his office the day she was to leave for a sector in the Unknown Regions, an excursion that would take a month, maybe two. She had left something there, his secretary informed her, saying it was apparently too dangerous for someone to run it to her. What could she have forgotten? Her tools were fastened easily and tightly to her belt and she'd only lost her clothes in these chambers once—the thought of which brought heat rushing to her cheeks. Avoiding him had done nothing to quell the feelings that had been brewing for several months.

There was nothing she had carelessly left behind in his quarters. He stood before his desk, eyes hard but solemn, melancholy. Her heart began to beat quicker, pulsing heavy in her ears until it drown out all external sound. He crossed the gap in few strides and towered in front of her like a giant unaccustomed to his size. Wordlessly, soundlessly, he tucked her against him and she felt his heart crack deep in his ribs. Through his aching skin, she knew how badly he wanted to remain here, his feet glued to the floor, her arms glued around his waist. He inched away so slowly, giving up so little of their touching bodies in order to move his head, to press his lips down, down, down against hers.

They fluttered like bird wings, like the nervous and unsteady pulse of his heart. He kissed her as if he were sculpting her from fine silt and rich clay, making her a gift in which flowers could grow. She kissed him back with a little more tenseness in her touch, a little more agency, turning him into ash and dust. They could play the fools to all else, but when they looked upon each other, the truth shone through. Neither was ready to give up the fight, neither was determined enough to hold in their desires, to put logic first. All they wanted was each other.

Foreheads together, they parted slowly, fingers refusing to unlace from clothing, from tangled hair. He let his lips roam across the rolling hill of her cheekbones, the hollow canyon behind her ear, the steady trunk of her neck. He rested there in the nature of her, deep in the glades of her ribcage where the grasses grew tall under the sun of his warmth, roots hidden by her body, by her skin, away from all eyes but his.

She stroked her fingers into the decorated locks of his hair, beads and stones tinkling like stars as they shifted under her touch. She had known little of his hands, but all of his mind, his thoughts. They raced to tie her stomach into knots, to make her feel how he felt, to see how he saw. She knew, though, for they were her own.

"Ben." His name was a plea on her lips. "You have to let me go."

"Only if you promise to come back."

He let her see his eyes then. His wet, glassy eyes, the color of milk-sweetened caf and gold-dark honey.

Taking his hand, she pressed a kiss made of soft summer breezes to his palm, curling his fingers around it to keep it with him wherever he went. "I promise."

They kissed once more, an idea more than an action, and she took her leave, his hands gliding across her body until she was out of reach. It was too painful to look back before exiting, knowing his expression would be torn, guilty, and fearful. Torn for parting, guilty for these forbidden feelings, fearful for her life, for the danger in which she would place herself.

His fear stayed with her as she boarded her transport, sunk its claws deep in her stomach and made a home worming its way into her heart. A useless tear ebbed its way from her eye and she wiped it away carefully, as if an eyelash had stuck itself where it didn't belong. If she were to be the pilot in this mission, her companion could not know of her distress, of any attachment or emotion she held in leaving this place.

"Are you ready?" asked Finn.

She nodded her response in the anticipation that her voice would break.

 

It was truly strange to be on such an industrial planet, disguised in worker's slops and painted in streaks of black grease. She was good with her hands—had always been curiously tinkering—and she blended well amongst the lower castes and bottom feeders. No one suspected her; no one gave her a second glance. Finn beside her was tense. He had only recently passed his trials and had yet to be out unguarded by older eyes. He was her responsibility as much as he was his own.

Alone with another Force sensitive, she had to hide herself and the feeling was unpleasant.

Ben's presence pushed itself heavily against her mind, always there, always sensing. She knew when he was working because the static would quiet and she would have peace, but the moment his thoughts drifted, he was with her again, forever worried. It was more a comfort than a distraction, knowing that if the worst of scenarios were to unfold, she could send him her distress and help would find her. She didn't know whom he would send, or how, only that he was ready to owe many favors in return for her safety.

Not that he had too much to worry about. The First Order was disliked on this planet. It was in the system with a mining world, the two cooperating to produce massive amounts of ores and finished metals. All sorts of building materials and starship parts came from here, a place that could not stand its client. There was nothing but muttered hisses and grunts of disapproval heard to pass between the workers.

A project is what they were listening for. No one seemed to know what was being built, only that it was enormous. So large, they had declined all other clients until this project had been seen through. It was incredible, she decided, how many people could come together to work on something so loathed when money was promised.

Three weeks in they had to make a break for it. They'd overheard too much information by accident, a superior slipping something as they worked on machines without knowing their purposes. Realizing the mistake, the higher-up decided to have this batch of workers culled—no matter, there would always be more grunts looking for anything that paid.

They fled.

Faster than she thought she could ever run, they left. Her lightsaber was tucked away in her oversized uniform, but the suspicion that would draw was insurmountable. She hurled a wrench and they _ran_.

It took four days of hiding and moving in the darkest hours of night to reach their ship. They changed clothes more times than they had a chance to eat. The old junker of a craft was being watched over by a sympathizer of the New Republic and they thanked their stars for the connections that saved their lives.

 

"A space station?" Luke asked when they returned. He paced the old Council room, the many seats only filled by four others, four who had been raised and taught by other Jedi exiles.

"Bigger," Rey correct. "Maybe a mobile base. The whole planet was dedicated to its production."

Finn beside her was unsteady. "As was the planet beside."

"I don't want to fear the worst, but they seemed almost finished with their work."

"This is a grave piece of information, if what you heard wasn't exaggerated. Thank you. Go get cleaned up, you both look in need of a rest."

Rey excused herself from Finn's side after pushing food around her plate, her body too skittish to dream of eating. They had left the planet's orbit three days prior and only touched down a half hour before. Her nerves were understandably frayed.

It took a shower and meditation to steady her hands. She sat in the darkness of her room, back against the cold wall, feet over the edge of her bed. She wasn't sure if she should scream for the coming days, knowing that—if what they saw were true—there would be nothing but hellfire and war on the horizon. An era of peace was too demanding a want.

A small flame flickered in her mind, a light no brighter than a candle. She turned her attention to its dance and saw his eyes beyond its halo of illumination.

 _Find me_ , he pleaded.

Scrubbing her hands through her hair, she rose and dressed in clean robes. She kept a speeder in the hanger, one she built from scattered parts with every credit she'd saved up to the age of seventeen. The craft was sleek and customized, faster than she should have been, and designated Rey the runner of mundane errands. For this freedom, she did not mind fetching items and delivering parcels to the Council.

She tracked the flitting beacon of his light to an apartment complex in one of the wealthier districts, one where most the politicians had been given residence. She had never set foot in his home before, had never so much as seen him outside of his workplace. Her nerves were buzzing with anticipation and small fright by the time she cut her speeder's engine on the small landing pad in the middle of what looked like a garden.

There he was, standing in a glass doorframe, his near-black hair glowing in the warmth of the inside light. He was dressed in clothes much unlike his robes, a dark shirt with sleeves rolled to the elbow and trim cut tan pants that ended in his bare feet. It felt strange, if not uncomfortable, to see him in such a causal setting.

He held his hand out to her and she took it gingerly, letting him pull her inside. Her protest to being there was cut off with a kiss, soft and tender and longing. His hands turned to fire as they took her waist, wrapped around her back, held her against the burning pillar of his chest.

"You're safe," he whispered against the crook of her neck.

"I can't be here."

He moved away to study her face, his hands slowly dragging up her body to cup her cheeks. She shivered at his touch, fighting hard against the urge to lean into him, to let him support her weary legs.

"But you came here yourself."

"You called."

"Of course I called. I wanted to see you were fine with my own eyes. To know you'd come back in one piece."

"I've been thinking, Ben, about this…about how wrong it is."

"I thought about it too, while you were gone."

"And?"

"I've decided I don't care all that much." He kissed her forehead and she didn't move to pull herself from his arms. "I do, but not enough to make me want to leave you, to let anyone take you from me."

"What if I think it's wrong enough to leave?"

"I'd break a little, I think, but I'm in your head, remember?" He pressed an image of her into her mind, one he'd kept tightly to himself. It felt odd to see herself from that angle, sweat thick in her hair, lips swollen, red suck marks at the base of her neck. His arms caged her and the more his mind focused on this memory, the more she could physically _feel_ it, the sensation of him buried deep inside of her. Heat coiled thickly in her stomach, hot stones sinking with newfound want.

He tipped her chin up and kissed her again. "I know you don't want to leave. You fight yourself over it daily, and the logical side has never won."

Her head nestled into his chest, her forehead resting against his neck. "This is so wrong, what we're doing."

"Then why can neither of us say no?"

"I don't know. Maybe I do. I don't want to dwell on it." She picked herself up on her toes, rising enough to kiss his throat. "You look different in casual clothes. Still handsome, but different."

The chuckle to follow reverberated in her ribs, stirring up the flowers he planted between white bones and red blood. "I would dress like this more often if I could."

She nodded, taking in his scent, the mix of wild grasses and dark rich earth. "I was on my way to bed before you roused me from my meditation."

He flicked the lights off in the entryway and took her hand, guiding her up a tall staircase, the steps lit with tiny imbedded lights. Their fingers laced when entering the bedroom, a space she knew she'd appreciate more in the morning. The bed itself was large, far larger than her own, and there were windows taller than she that faced out onto the garden patio. Before she could ask permission to stay the night—for this all felt so ethereal, so dreamlike—he was pushing her cloak from her shoulders, unfastening her belt and combing his hands through the folds of her inner tunic. All she had to do was touch the hem of his shirt before he all but tore it off, letting her work on his pants as he kissed her cheeks, his hands carding through her now-loose hair.

The sheets of his bed were soft and delicate against her back. He climbed atop her almost immediately after pushing her down; his lips so hungry to taste her, to know her, to catalogue every little nick and pigment that interrupted the color of her skin.

"You're safe," he muttered into the softness of her inner thigh, his gentle fingers smoothing rounds against the pinkness of her cit.

"I'm safe," she agreed, humming when his mouth replaced his hand. It was so strange, to feel wanted. To know he craved her like this on his own free will, would give up much of his universe to stay beside her, risk himself for the opportunity he had now.

It was odd to want him. To want him all over her skin, the desire increasing with every movement of his tongue. She wanted him outside of this context, but for the first time—the _first_ time—she was in bed with someone for reasons beyond the act. It wasn't like the first time, a curiosity to know what the buzz was, finding it nothing special at the end. Nothing like the times following where it was a means to satisfy an urge, an act of physicality with no emotion.

Now it was important. Fulfilling. It was a way to please someone else, to think of more than just herself as they progressed. He brought her to climax and it was like none before it, thrumming headily through her bloodstream, shaking apart her psyche until she died the little death, eyes unseeing until it pattered out.

Her muscles were still pulsing pleasantly when he nudged himself inside of her, his chest becoming her sky, his eyes stars in the darkness. She wrapped her legs around his powerful hips and rode a new wave of emotions with him cradled in her arms. She had never known herself to be loud before him and he fought to kiss the sound from her lips, to muffle her want with his. He muttered things into her skin that she was too hazy to hear, too caught up in feeling his skin against hers, their bodies tangled, pressed together, beating as one.

The cry of his orgasm set off a frenzy in her core, her teeth fighting to mark him, to scald him, to redden his pale moon-kissed skin until it bore the branding of _mine, mine, mine_. Hers. _Hers._ The sounds, the moans he made were _hers_ , for _her_. This was _her_ Ben and she clawed red lines up his back when he dove to nip at her ear. She would plant red roses on his skin, make them grow beautiful with her teeth.

He rolled from her, panting and sated, his breath quick and hot on her skin. They lay together, tangling their fingers up tightly, hearts beating hard in their chests. She moved to curl into his side when she could breathe again, her arm snaking around his broad chest.

"You're mine, you know."

He chuckled, one of his hands gliding aimlessly over the salted skin of her side. "If I hadn't known before, you made it beyond obvious tonight."

She kissed whatever strip of his body was in reach of her lips, settling comfortably beside him with a hum. Somewhere, deep inside, she knew her decision had been made. She branded him and she couldn't think of going back, about removing her marks and setting him free. He was hers now, and by his side she would remain.


	5. Safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He gave her a fright, the kind she gave him whenever she left. But oh, they were safe.
> 
> Rating: T

He watched her from afar as she spoke to his new guard—not new, but not _her_ , so effectively new and less noticed. Though grateful to have protection and an opportunity to hide his Force sensitivity, he missed her presence constantly near, missed how she hovered at his elbow, eyes sharp and forever guarding his safety. She had been as diligent as he could have hoped for. As tender and affectionate as he could have hoped for—though that part of their relationship was not to escape closed doors.

The new guard was also good at her job. She was younger by a few years but alert and focused; going so far as to escort him home after long nights to make sure he entered his apartment without any danger. That had made one or two evenings complicated, as Rey had returned before he and was waiting up to surprise him with dinner and her soft, gentle gaze. He had warned her in time and they had yet to be caught, but each time it happened (and it was occurring with increased frequency), they panicked and cut communications for a week.

Which drove him mad, since she was never planetside for more than a few days at a time. Tensions were running high and the Grand Jedi Master was taking no risks when it came to gleaming information from the enemy. She was too good at her job to be left home, too important to be safe for a week or two. Her name and face had been broadcasted across the HoloNet, a brave, dashing young heroine of admirable skill and morals. Little did they know how often she broke the Code.

"Senator Organa?"

How had she popped up so quietly?

Adaline—the new one, short with copper-rose hair and big moss-green eyes—stood before him with her hands folded into the sleeve of her robe. She wore a darker inner tunic than Rey's and had a tabard of grey. It was also apparent to Ben that she must have walked on air because she made him jump every damn time.

"Force, you scared me. Yes?"

"Master Rey has informed me there will be a traffic blockade beginning at eight—"

Ben cast his eyes to where Rey hovered, sending waves of pride to her that were hopefully quiet enough that they young Jedi did not catch on. _Master_. She had earned a title of respect from the other girl, she was held in importance by others of her Order. Far off in the shadows, Rey beamed, bashful from his praise. She still wasn't used to compliments and he wanted nothing more than to bathe her in accolades—

" _Senator Organa?_ "

"Forgive me, Adaline, my mind is elsewhere with the mountains of work I have to finish in three hours."

She frowned. "You can take what you don't finish home with you."

"Right. Right, I can do that." He had wanted to finish before hand, finish in time to see her once more before she was sent off again, departing in the morning to a sector in the Unknown Regions. He worried after her every time and this mission would be no different.

The young Jedi escorted him back to his office from the Senate building, standing outside his door like a loyal guard animal, not once leaving her post. He knew because he could sense her outside for the next five hours he spent buried in paperwork—he'd painfully underestimated his workload. A new bill was drawing to a close and he felt swamped, suffocated by the datapads littering his desk, the files and rewrites he had to finalize before the week was out.

It was tedious work, keeping a government afloat.

Hours crawled and finally, at seven-thirty, he allowed himself to retire for the night with a mountain of work loaded onto his travel pad. His eyes burned. It was a true wonder how his mother had kept up such a lifestyle without going insane.

"We'll need to take an alternate route tonight," Adaline explained as though he hadn't given her a thought of attention earlier. He barely had, but kept the confusion from his face.

"Of course. Lead the way."

His speeder had been left home this morning. There was rumor that a spy had wriggled into the Senate house, the prime target unknown. Rey had cornered him early in his day, easily dismissing his guard and waving him into an empty room. Door closed, she kissed him fast and hard—the first contact in too many weeks—and held him tightly to her, face buried in his gilded navy robes.

 _"Something's not right, I've got a bad feeling,_ " she had whispered to his chest.

 _"What's wrong? What can I do to help?"_ He had half heard her, too focused on the heat her body gave to his, the unintentional prickle of blood flowing down to his groin. She was so powerful under his touch, so lovely to hold. His mind was weaving elsewhere.

_"There's a mole. I don't know whom they're after, but there's a mole. Be careful, I don't know what I'll do if I lose you."_

He had nodded and squeezed her closer, trying to reassure her worries. _"Of course._ " He had kissed her softly, tenderly, soothing his hands down her arms.

 _"I love you. Don't forget that._ "

 _"I never will_."

Adaline had retrieved him and would bring him home, borrowing one of the Temple's nondescript speeders. She wasn't the best driver—nothing like his lover, but then, everyone paled before her—but she was cautious and attentive, following back routes with ease and knowledge, as if she'd done this hundreds of times over.

They were a few quadrants away before they hit an issue. A blaster bolt whizzed by in the air, flying mere inches over the speeder's windshield. Adaline looked about to screech, panicking before Ben grabbed the wheel, pulling the careening vehicle straight.

"Switch with me!"

She stared dumbfounded for a bare moment. Coming to her senses, the young Jedi maneuvered behind him and up onto the tail of the craft, her green blade drawn and glowing, carving out the ferocious look that had settled across her nose. Another bolt flew and deflected lamely off her lightsaber.

She was daring if not a lunatic, he'd give her that. Then again, he did his best to avoid situations involving falling to certain death.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" she called to him.

Did he—? Did he, the son of _Han Solo_ , know what he was doing in a pilot's seat? What a _ridiculous_ question. Then again, she was no older than seventeen, perhaps she hadn't a clue who his parents were, or that they _were_ his parents. There was a reason he used his mother's adopted surname.

" _Yes!_ " He was going to have to dive. "Hold on!"

He sunk them into the lower levels of traffic, jetting around as many corners as he could manage without getting fully lost. Thrilling, a high-speed air chase. His father would be proud—if he lived to tell the tale. The ambusher was not near when he searched out through the Force, looking for the malicious energy that had been pulsing only after the first shot. He wanted to say they were in the clear, safe from another round, but he looped an even longer route home. The poor young guard slipped back beside him when he slowed around a turn, her face pale but eyes angry, teeth clenched in her tight jaw.

"I should have noticed before it happened."

"Nothing came of it. There was no way for you to have known." _He_ hadn't even realized until after the start, and this was the only type of honed training he had completed.

"You could have been _killed_."

"But I'm fine, you performed your duty as best you could and I'm not dead. Adaline, please, try to calm down."

She nodded but her hands continued to shake.

Ben swore internally when his apartment's landing pad came into view. There was already a vehicle parked atop—a sleek silver and red coupe, engines larger than the legal size, hood long, sharp, and packing the hidden muzzle of a rather large blaster. Its owner stood beside it, her blue blade sheathed but gripped tightly in her hand.

His stomach tied itself into quick little knots.

The landing was a little precarious, the smaller craft edging too closely to Rey's machine. He had no doubt she could easily get it off without the smallest nudge, but he had a mind to think she would be leaving after Adaline. A peculiar look crossed her eyes and she frowned at Ben before turning to Rey.

"I was already out," Rey said by way of explanation. "I felt your distress and couldn't bring myself to return without making sure you were all right."

Adaline leapt from the cockpit and stood on shaky knees before Rey pulled her into a tight hug. A shiver of jealousy passed down Ben's spine but he choked it down, refusing to reveal anything in front of his guard.

"I failed—"

"No, Addy, no, you did well. You're both unharmed."

"I didn't sense it. I couldn't sense it until it was too late."

Rey shushed her again, stroking through the girl's hair. Adaline wasn't a young child, but the action seemed maternal, tender. It made Ben's chest ache, the thought of Rey being a mother, tending lovingly to a child, _his_ child. The pain grew, knowing they couldn't, they'd never—

"Senator? Would it be all right if you took Addy inside? I want to check her speeder for bugs before she leaves."

"Certainly." He unlocked the glass-faced door and ushered the poor girl into the kitchen. She was still stricken, eyes dulled in her adrenaline loss. "Can I get you anything? Water or food?"

"I just need to sit a moment."

"Take all the time you need."

Adaline sighed a few minutes later, head in her hands. "Are you…close to Master Rey?"

Ben nearly dropped the datapad he was holding, catching himself before anything were to shine through on his expression. "Close?"

"Friendly, I mean. I feel like she'll trust me less after this, but I don't know her well enough. None one really does, she doesn't keep a lot of friends." She looked up, her gaze burning fire into his skull. "But she's friendly with you."

"She was assigned to me for nearly a year. We've developed…a sort of camaraderie, I suppose."

"Do you think she'll hate me after this, then? If you know her better?"

"No." His Rey was kinder than that, didn't blame others for accidents. "No, I don't think this will affect her opinion of you."

Rey returned ten minutes later, hands coated in engine grease and assorted grime. The speeder was clear of any tampering and she was certain it wouldn't be tracked on appearance—it was one of identical thousands.

"You should get back to the Temple, get some rest before you jitter yourself up again."

"What about you?" Adaline asked as Rey walked her back to the craft. "Are you going to follow behind?"

Rey's smile faltered. "I have to make a report of the incident before I can return. I need to speak with the Senator first and I'll be along later tonight."

Light caught in Adaline's eyes, almost as if she understood something else, the hidden reason behind Rey's words. But it disappeared quickly, vanishing into her green irises. "Okay. Be safe, Master."

"May the Force be with you."

When her speeder had vanished from sight, Rey ushered Ben inside, arms tightly circling his waist before she hissed. "I was so _worried_ about you. Force, Ben, I told you to be _careful!_ "

"It was an ambush! How was I supposed to know?!"

"And no word that she'd be with you? What if she'd picked up on something? I think she already has, but what if she'd _seen?_ "

"Well it's a little hard to _know where you are_ while I'm trying to fly through _crowds_ of speeders and _away_ from an attacker!"

"But you could have—!" She stopped midway, bowing her head against his chest. Her hands skimmed his back through his heavy robes and she turned her face, pressing her ear over his quick-beating heart. "Is this how you feel?" she asked softly. "When I'm sent off, do you feel this fearful for me?"

"Every damn time."

Her hands clenched around his clothes. "Oh, Ben, how do you _live_ like this?"

"By thinking of all the time I'll get to spend with you when you get back, trying not to dwell on the danger. I avoid the HoloNet News at all costs, just in case."

"I never knew…"

He rubbed a hand through her hair, working it loose from its tight buns. "We're both safe, sweetheart. Can we think of something else, something less upsetting?"

She nodded.

"How about dinner?"

Dinner was quiet.

She held onto him through the whole cooking process, almost tripping him twice when she refused to relinquish her grip on his waist. She stole his hand away three times, kissing all of his fingers, nuzzling into his side. He asked questions but she replied strictly with a nod or shake of her head, the only words to leave her mouth were small strings of _I love you_ followed by the cinching of her arms.

"Sweetheart, you're going to have to let me go if you want to eat."

"I'm never letting you go again."

Ben chuckled. "My uncle is going to raise more than one eyebrow at that."

She released him and slunk away to the opposite side of the table.

Conversation was light, punctuated by the constant running of fingers over hands, the sensation of _you're okay, you're safe_ drifting between their minds, their thoughts. She finished her plate and he wrapped his for later, his nerves getting the best of his hunger. With equally nervous steps, they climbed the stairs to bed, silent beside each other in the motions of their nightly routines. He took her waist and kissed her cheek when she brushed her hair into one loose knot, her shoulders too tired and her muscles too weary to do much else.

"You feel tense all over," she said softly when they crawled into bed, her hands drifting up the planes of his back.

"I'm forever stressed and hunched over a desk. It happens."

"Roll onto your stomach."

He obeyed, settling his cheek against his forearms. "Be gentle, unlike last time."

"Last time we learned you like a bit of pain. Last time is when you _moaned_ — _"_

"Yes, and my neighbor heard and asked if I was bringing home prostitutes. No repeats of last time."

"Fine." She kissed his cheek, easing herself to sit just below the swell of his ass. Her hands started deftly up at his shoulders, massaging his sore muscles into a blissful oblivion. His eyes fluttered closed and he gave himself up to her touch.

"They'll want me to marry eventually," he said slowly as she worked down his back.

"Will you?"

"If it's not to you, no. I can't imagine being forced to sleep with someone else for the sake of my image. Besides, I'm hoping my mother will talk everyone who tries down."

He could hear the frown in her voice. "Why would she do that?"

"I've sort of… _told_ her about you."

" _Ben!_ "

"I'm sorry! But she's my mother; she should know if there's anything I'll need help with. Has a right to know why her son is finally blissfully happy for the first time in his life."

There was a kiss pressed to the middle of his shoulder blades, her breath hovering over his skin. When she spoke, it was barely above a whisper. "Do you mean that?"

"I feel…so much less alone with you. I feel like you're supposed to be here beside me, you were made to be _mine_ , the same way I was made to be yours."

He twisted onto his back and she shifted to press a little of her weight against his body, smiling when he pushed loose strands of hair behind her ears. "You're too good to me, Ben."

"On the contrary, I am just right to you. Could be better, perhaps, could worry you less."

"I worry you more."

"I'm used to it."

She sighed, her face breaking before she dipped to kiss his forehead, lips lingering on his temple. "That's not fair."

"Your work is dangerous and you do so much good. I'm honored to have you, Rey, I am. I'm honored and grateful you take so much time away from these incredible things you do in order to spend scattered moments with me."

"You're risking your entire reputation for me."

"You're risking your career."

"Yeah, but if I go down in infamy, no one will remember me in a few years. You, your face is out there as a _politician_. If you screw up, you'll burn for decades after you're dead."

"Let's cut the competition at hey, I love you, can I give you a massage now? Because I'm positive your back is worse than mine."

"Yeah." She pecked his lips. "Hold on, I think—" kiss "—I might want to—" kiss "—make out with my—" kiss " _—lover_ —" kiss, kiss, kiss "—for a bit first."

He laughed beneath her, pushing her over onto the other side of the bed. "You are _ridiculous_."

"And yet you oblige me."

"Couldn't tell you why." He kissed her throat, her collarbone, the hard edges of her sternum, all her fingertips—

She turned onto her stomach for him, resting her head among his pillows. She looked beautiful there, strands of escaped hair gracing periwinkle sheets, smile small but heady and loving. He felt as though he were drowning in affection for her, this ethereal creature who had so brashly and boldly graced his life.

"I'm so glad you're safe, Ben."

"I'd be nothing less for you." He kissed the cheek exposed to him and made a line down her spine with his lips. His fingers worked into the tight muscles of her lower back, mouth drifting upwards to where here ribcage ended. She was his ground, his earth, and he would be every sky above her, warmly covering all inches of her body, her skin.

"Let me stay with you, steal me away from these laws that bind us."

He pressed his chest against her back, careful not to force all his weight upon her bones. "If I ever find a way, I swear I won't waste a second."

"Until you do, I only ask that you love me. From up close, from afar, whatever you can manage without giving yourself away."

"I'll love you from inside your heart, as near as I can be. With you, always."

"Never leave me, Ben. Never let me go."

"I won't," he promised, trailing hot kisses and a stray tear or two down her back. "I swear I won't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel it is inevitable theirs will always be a worried, nervous love, tender but fluttery, never calm until they both know the other is all right.
> 
> Oh, this poor Ben wants to be a father. My heart aches a little for him...


	6. Replacement Parts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First, she can feel everything. And then suddenly, it's as if it's not there at all.

It hit him square in the leg, a feeling of loss. Sitting in his pod on the Senate floor, searing pain crawled high up his thigh and vanished, as if a limb had disappeared into thin air. It tingled when he tried to move it, heavy and uncooperative. A panic that was not his own began to rise like bile up his throat, sick and acidic. It swirled and yelped and then it too was gone, puffing out like a spent candle.

And there was nothingness in his mind. In a split instant, Rey disconnected from their bond and he was shut out from her, near her. He hoped the nervousness in his posture wasn't evident, hoped he wouldn't need to rebuttal another _ridiculous_ argument for the rest of the session. He wasn't sure his words would come out coherently. All he could do now was pray he was wrong.

 

It was fire up her spine, fire down her legs, fire on her brain. Hearing was white and her sight rolled with the explosion. Attempting to scramble to her feet, she was met with incredibly heavy resistance, unable to move her right leg. When she looked down…oh.

She'd been caught up too close to the blast zone. Her other leg was bleeding and stuck with metal, but the right one, just above the knee, looked like _hell_. Mangled and twisted all wrong, her clothes and robe were soaking red from the injury. It would take more than a miracle to save.

Frantic, she pulsed a distress call through the Force, hoping to the heavens her Master was around here somewhere, was close enough to make a tourniquet or call a transport or _something_. She wasn't keen on dying in enemy hands. She wasn't keen on losing the leg.

Finn's face came first, his steps followed by another set of robes. She lost consciousness before recognizing weathered hands, her brain going silent.

She hazed awake in an operating theater, medi-droids crowded around, snipping off clothes and preparing sedatives. "Don't cut it off," she whined. "He'll hate it—don't cut it off."

"Amputation is necessary," one clucked in a robotic tone.

No, he was going to hate it. No.

No, no, no.

This wouldn't, oh, no, this wouldn't be good.

Her dreams were hot, fevered, and heavy. She could feel him prodding at her through her slumber, trying to touch her; worried he'd lost her. Of course he'd felt her pain, of _course_. He knew something horrible had happened and his biggest fear was coming true right before him, unable to fix it or stop it from getting worse.

His hands caught hold of her as she was falling.

"Sweetheart," he started, smooth and low, "you have to tell me what's happening. I'm losing my mind."

She was unsteady in his grasp, feet on uneven ground. One leg was normal, the other was made of flowers and crisp morning dew. She stared at it blankly, forgetting his palms atop her shoulders. "Oh, no."

"Rey?" A choked sound climbed high into his voice and it threatened to crack her down the middle. "What's going on? Are you okay? Gods— _dammit_ —am I losing you? Please, don't leave me."

"I'm going to be okay," she said softly, brushing stray hair from his face. His eyes were deep pools of anxiety and she hated that she did this to him. "But I'm not going to be okay, if that makes sense."

"It doesn't, not at all."

"I might not be in one piece."

He didn't say a word, couldn't form a sentence, and instead reeled her in, cascading flowers all around, the flowers he planted deep in her bones. She held onto him for his gravity and fell into his heart, crashing against his ribs.

He kissed her forehead, his arms desperate. "I'll see you soon, sweetheart."

"Ben, don't find me. The rules—"

" _Fuck_ the rules."

Down, down she tumbled, his body erupting into butterflies, little creatures hungry to settle upon her flowers. They fell away as well, leaving her in a hollowed dark room of guilt. Here, down on her knees, she saw the ghosts of past lives, Jedi exiles who disobeyed the order. They taunted her, heckled her, and she was ashamed of her sins, shins digging into cold black stones.

The disappointment in Luke's eyes was insurmountable and she wept, bowing her sinner's head to her chest. She had committed a high crime. She had become attached, had fallen in love. Instead of keeping her heart guarded, she'd given it to another, receiving his heart in return. It beat deep within her breast, a constant reminder of her guilt. But she wouldn't trade it back, couldn't bear to lose him. Her loyalties were so twisted now, so tangled and illegible.

She stood to run, to get out of this hall, and barreled straight into the chest of another Skywalker. A Jedi, the first of his line. He steadied her, big hands spreading on her shoulders. He had a cut over one eye and Ben's hair—in untamed wildness, but not color.

An eyebrow raised, he smirked. "It's not a hand you lost, but I think you're part of the family now."

"Excuse me?"

He removed a long black glove, withdrawing a gilded arm from the leather. He flexed the fingers; spread the palm for her to see. "My son's missing one too, but my grandson isn't and I doubt he will. I think it's a once-in-a-generation Jedi thing, and Ben was never trained."

Anakin. This was Anakin.

She cocked her head, ignoring the strangeness of her visitor. "Why wasn't he?"

"Leia started him when he was younger, tried to teach him everything Luke had taught her." A shadow crossed his face and his nose curled, expression reflective of Ben's type of temper. "Snoke began to prod, enough that Ben felt it and they cut his training. He's learned to repress his signature better than I ever could, but they're looking for him. They're always watching out for the famed grandson of the infamous Dark Lord."

"That's why he has such high guarding procedures around him, isn't it? He's a living target."

Anakin nodded. "Most else is a distraction away from the prize. It would do him well if you looked after him again."

She turned away, head weighing a thousand pounds. "I can't. I…we've fallen in love, he and I. And I can't risk his career like that, especially when he's already got capable guards. Do you know what they call him, on the HoloNet?"

"I don't, but I'm sure Padmé does and will berate me for it."

"He's been dubbed the Silver-Tongued Prince of the Senate House. He's almost always the winner in a debate, has championed more bills than anyone else."

He nudged his shoulder into her, causing her to glance up. "You're proud of him, aren't you?"

"Who wouldn't be?" She wrapped her arms around her waist. "Especially since he picked me."

"I feel the same way about Padmé. I was…warm, being so lucky that she wanted me back, that I could have—"

"—Something I dreamed of, something I always wanted."

"It's an incredible feeling, isn't it?"

"I don't think I can go without it, after knowing how comforting it is," she agreed. "If they try to separate us, I don't know what I'll do."

"You'll do what I didn't and talk to someone before you feel trapped." His tone had taken a serious edge. "You don't have to do this all by yourself."

She nodded, feeling inexplicably small. "I have a question for you. When you lost your arm, how did she…take it? Was she repulsed?"

"No, absolutely not." He snorted, and then looked into her face. "It didn't bother her, that I wasn't all there anymore. She was sad of course, worried and nervous for me, but not repulsed. It took a while to get used to not being able to feel her with both of my hands. That was rough."

"Do you think Ben will be okay with me…not being all there either?"

"He loves you, right? Then it shouldn't bother him that way. He's got a good heart, so he'll mourn the loss with you, but he won't reject you. If he does, he's not the boy I watched grow up."

"I'm just…scared."

"Don't be. You're a Skywalker—or rather, soon to be."

"What does _that_ mean?"

"You'll see."

 _You'll see_.

Lights came into view over her head. Her pounding, aching head, veins throbbing and eyes on fire. Her arms were too heavy to move gracefully and she couldn't roll onto either side. Which was good, because she'd crush his hand.

Ben was asleep beside her; his huge body was curled half in a chair and half on her bed. She was surprised to not be in a bacta tank after sustaining so many injuries, but…She couldn't feel anything on her right leg. Saw its shape under the sheets, but sensation had vanished. He stirred when she tried to sit up.

"They instructed me to make you rest," he said sleepily, wrapping an arm around her chest.

"Ben, you _cannot_ do that."

"You're in an all-droid bay in a private room, no one's going to find out."

"It's an unnecessary risk."

He moved to sit fully in the chair. His hair was a tangle and his inner robes were crinkled. His ornamental outer ensemble hung on the back of her door and his headdress sat on her nightstand. It was the laurels this time, a gold circlet of delicate leaves with hanging sapphires and quella stones to match his earrings. He favored blues and looked regal beyond imagination in his deep dark robes.

"If someone comes in, they'll know you're here on more than just a friendly visit," she warned, indicating his dress and appearance.

"I'm keeping track of all the sentients in the area. Don't stress, you don't need more on top of the damage."

She sighed, knowing it was time to ask. She held a hand out to him lamely and he returned to her side, laying his head in reach of her restless fingers. His hair was soft; stroking it helped her think. "Ben?"

"Yes sweetheart?"

"What…happened to my leg?"

"Do you mean the final verdict?"

"Yeah. Do I still have it?"

"Well…not exactly." He slipped from her touch and stood, taking the bedsheet and bringing it carefully down to rest at the foot of the bed. Her left leg was wrapped in bacta, but the right…

Her skin cut off right above her knee, sleek black metal merging with soft flesh. It had a bit of a cut and jagged look to it, coils of machinery not fully incased in the large black and gold sheets that acted as both protection and support. Her new ankle was a series of sliding golden parts and her toes flexed when she moved them. She could feel it, but not the skin—the skin that wasn't there.

"The Jedi replacements don't always have synthskin for whatever reason. I couldn't get it out of the Em-dee that detailed your care to me. I think it has to do with functionality, or increased protection."

"It's…" Tears welled in her eyes. "I like how it looks, but it's not _mine_."

"No, it's yours, Rey." He kissed her forehead, squeezed her hand. "It might take a little time to get used to, but you're still all here, still in one piece."

"How can you say that when there's _metal where my leg used to be?"_

"If it works the same, then does it matter so much if part of you isn't a part you were born with?"

" _Yes!_ "

"No. It doesn't." He sat beside her and cupped her cheek, holding her steady as she tried to break from his touch. "I thought something _horrible_ had happened to you, something they can't fix, like massive brain trauma. I thought you'd come back to me and not be _you_ , be someone else, someone distant. I'll mourn with you, but I'm so _glad_ to have you in one piece and able to bounce back from this."

"I hate it."

He gave her a small peck, staying close. "I don't mind it. Honest, I don't. I think it makes you look tough."

"Really?"

"Of course. Sleek, too. It gives you a weird beauty that stems from an aura of power."

"And you're sure you don't mind?"

"Positive. Losing a limb isn't going to change how I feel about you."

"Yeah, but I'd be devastated if you buzzed your hair."

"Frankly? So would I. But," he started, nudging her back down, "you need to sleep and not think about me with bad haircuts. I'll stay with you for as long as I can, but they plan to keep you for another day and I'm certain your fellow Jedi are going to want to keep you close and safe for a while."

"I'll sneak off—I always do."

"Don't push it, Rey. I don't want to be pacing anxiously in another medical bay anytime soon."

"I have another question. How did they even let you down here?"

"A _lot_ of mind tricks and Force suggestions. Speaking of." He pressed his lips to her forehead and the world grew hazy. "It's time for you to sleep."

  

* * *

 

Have a doodle or a few

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this might do better to be a part added later on, but I think it should get out of the way, start the ball rolling for actually dark topics we get to cover, such as their discovery and a nasty, awful, inevitable thing Rey has to go through later on.
> 
> I also think I'll add some sketches of her prosthetic and some of Ben's headdresses because they're really damn cool.
> 
> How's this AU treating you all? Because I really like it.


	7. Mind Fog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wasn't herself, hadn't been in a week. She was starting to feel as though she'd never quite be herself again.
> 
> Rating: T  
> Tie-In: Immediate continuation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put some sketches up in the last chapter. You should check 'em out!

She heard his voice through what felt like a filter of water, sweet honey calling out through thick golden and clear waves. It took another verbalization of her name for her to look up from the window, to tear her eyes from the bustle of Coruscant outside. He was closer to her than she had thought—closer than he sounded, practically hovering over her. He smoothed a hand over her forehead and she flinched.

“Are you okay?”

She stared a moment and nodded, eyes glassy. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“That’s a very unconvincing fine.”

She shrugged, turning back to the city’s noise. The moment was distracting enough. The pane of glass was cool under her fingers when she touched it, cold like winters she’d long forgotten. Numb, cold and numb.

Rey squeaked when strong arms lifted her from her seat, scrambling to get purchase around his neck. “I _said_ dinner was ready.”

“I’m not hungry, put me _down_.”

“You haven’t eaten all day, come. I even went to the trouble of dessert.”

“I don’t want to eat, Ben.” She kicked at him with her bad leg and he let her down, startled. “Leave me be, okay? I’m not hungry.”

He didn’t make to move as she curled back into the window seat, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. She glared when he kneeled beside her, made a half-hearted struggle when he laid his arm around her waist.

“You’re going to wither away, sweetheart.”

“I’m just not hungry right now.”

“You haven’t been hungry in a week.”

His fingers ran over her good leg, caressing the soft skin of her calf. She’d never feel his hands on the other one ever again. The kisses he gave to the back of her knees—it was limited to just one now. “I’m fine.”

“Can you at least tell me what’s bothering you?”

“What do you _think_ is bothering me?”

He withdrew and sighed. He was in civilian clothes today—a Saturday, one on which the Senate was not in session—and it was hard for her to glare at his distress. Grey shirt unbuttoned partway down his chest and dark hair in a tangle, he was a vision of beauty, and he was all hers.

But she didn’t want him at the moment. She wanted to bury herself away into scorched and infertile ground; deep down where the dead slept and eyes grew heavy. If she sunk far enough, his light would cease to penetrate the ocean’s surface and she could be freely at sea.

She had been with him all day, had ignored him all day. He spoke and she stared blankly through him, above him, away from him. He was only trying to comfort her and she couldn’t stop herself from turning off, powering down.

“I want to help, but you need to let me in.”

“I don’t want your help.”

“Rey, _please_.” The broken plead made her turn slightly to him. “It pains me to see you like this, loving you as much as I do. If your method of coping is to shut me out, then you should go back to the Temple and think some things over.”

“ _No_.” She paused, taking the tears from her voice. “No, I don’t want to go back right now.”

“And you don’t want to be here. You can't do both.”

“I just want to be alone for a little while. They won’t leave me be there and you won’t give me a minute here.”

“I’ve given you the whole day. I _left_ to have lunch with a coworker and you didn’t notice, too caught in your misery. I’m not here to fix you, but I don’t want to watch you suffer either.”

“Do you still love me when I’m being this much of a _bitch_?”

“I admit it’s frustrating, but it doesn’t change my feelings.”

“I hate this thing,” she snapped, banging her bad foot uselessly on the cushion. “I hate that it’s not me.”

“It is.”

“It’s not. It’s metal, it’s wires, it’s not _me_. I am not _it_.”

“It’s part of you now.” His voice was gentle as he reached for its sleeve, pulling the durable black material up over its connection onto her body. “It behaves like a leg because it is a leg, and you don’t have to look at it if you don’t want to.”

“But you have to.”

“And we have been going over this for a week—it doesn’t bother me.”

She shrugged. “Your food’s getting cold.”

“What the hell does it matter if you won’t eat?”

“You have to eat.”

“Not unless you do too.”

She picked around the dinner he’d made. There was a lot of love put into it—she could tell from the small tastes she got, how much time he’d spent making sure to get the flavors correct. It was better than anything they’d ever serve at the Temple, but she couldn’t bring herself to eat much more than a few bites, nausea making her stomach revolt.

“That’s it?” he asked when she pushed her mostly-full plate away.

“I get sick if I eat when stressed.”

He sighed, rising from the table and taking his plate. “I have work to do, then, if you want to keep being uncooperative. I’ll be in my office, don’t think I need to tell you not to disturb me, as if you’d care to do anything but mope right now.”

His tone was more hurt than offended and she crumpled inward with the guilt. Poor Ben, he only wanted her happy.

She took root at the window again and stared outside into the gathering night, lights of speeders and offices still bright on the dim sky. She remained there for hours, staring, not thinking. She heard him rustle in the kitchen, storing leftovers before climbing the stairs to bed. He didn’t try again with her, just let her be.

She followed after him hours later, getting as far as lying beside his sleeping form before the uneasiness set in again. Here she was, in the same bed as the man who loved her, but she felt like a foreigner, a voyeur, an outsider to their relationship. He cared about some whole-bodied girl who hadn’t gotten a leg blown off—he said the opposite, acted the opposite, but she couldn’t stop the fear from curling in her stomach. She rose, disheartened, and trudged back downstairs to sleep on the uncomfortable leather couch.

Rey was woken from a dreamless haze by Ben’s exasperated sigh and large hands curling under her back and knees—knee, she corrected.

“I’ve _had it_ ,” he growled when she started to push away. “I’ve _kriffing_ had it with your moodiness.”

‘Let me _go_.”

“ _No_.” His eyes were hard, teeth bared and sharp in the outside glow. The shadows playing on his face made him into a very different man. A man lost to the fire. “You’re stopping this, _now_.”

“Ben, you’re crushing my ribs.”

“Yeah? Well you’ve been crushing my heart for about a week. We’re even.” His fingers eased, but only slightly. “You’re coming to bed.”

“I’m not sleeping.”

“Whatever.”

He set her down with little care and she stumbled a moment, not fully accustomed to her bad leg. She glowered as he snarled, the bridge of his nose drawn and tense. Watching her, he ripped the covers back from the mattress and threw himself angrily into bed, his back to her.

“Don’t even dare think of leaving.”

She sat on the floor, knees drawn to her chest. “Fine.”

They declined to face each other in the dark, quiet until his voice broke through the silence. “Do your joints hurt from being locked for so long?”

“I’ve only got one real knee so I don’t mind.”

“You have two real knees, you just can't feel one.”

“Stop trying to cushion it.”

“I’m not—“ He sat up, exasperated. “I’m not trying to ‘soften a blow’ or whatever you think I’m doing. I’m telling you the truth how I see it, and you’re stubbornly refusing to climb out of your own personal pit of pity.”

“Can’t you let me be upset?”

“For maybe two or three days, yes, but a whole week? A whole week of nothing but decline? No, I can’t. Sorry, Rey, but I can’t stand watching you throw a fit like this for that long. You either cut the shit or leave tomorrow morning.”

“I can leave now.”

“You haven’t slept much, you’re staying until you rest.”

“Maybe we’re not working out.”

He took a moment, a dumbfounded look running across his face. “You want to cut off our relationship because I refuse to let you wallow about losing a _leg_?”

“And other things, like how it’s _wrong_ and _scandalous_.”

“Two things you got over until just now apparently.”

“I can change my mind.”

“You want to give me up, then? Forever? You want me to give you up? Never speak again, never kiss—never care—make it all go away?”

A bubble in her throat split and she tried in vain to choke down a sob. She kept rolling in on herself, conflicted, confused. “No.” Her voice was small, hurt. “Please don’t give me up.”

He rose slowly, lifting her into his arms as though she were a handful of feathers. She rubbed her face into his neck as she was carried to bed and set down on the sheets—on his side, the warm side.

“I’m so sorry, Ben.”

“Are you going to sleep in your clothes?”

She shook her head. He undressed her smoothly, removing her shirt and shorts, setting them down on a chair before turning to her socks.

“No.” She stopped his hands, eyes frantic. “Leave those on, please. It’s cold against my skin.”

Without a word, he crawled into bed beside her, drawing her into the crescent of his body, pressed uniformly together like nesting dolls. “I understand that you’re upset, but you can’t take it out on me. The words you throw at me have gravity, Rey; they sting. To hear you want to end this—even if you don’t, even if it’s a tiny voice—cracks me deep in here.” He laid his hand over where her heart beat. “Now, if you actually want to, I can’t stop you, but if you’re only trying to recoil and get me to stop reaching out to you, it still hurts just as badly.”  
  
Her throat was burning. “I’m sorry. I don’t feel...whole anymore. I feel half, like I got split in two. There’s...” She took a breath—a gulp, a choke—and stilled her lungs. “It’s like a have a stranger living within me, someone new come to influence who I am.”

“Honey, it’s not changing anything about _you_.”

“But it is, it will. Some reporter will scoop up the story when they finally let me back out again, I’ll be the Jedi girl with one leg. I’ll get a new title, they’ll never let this drop from the press. I hate the attention already, and now it’ll be directed at part of my body that’s not even mine instead of what we’re doing. How do you warn a galaxy when the masses can’t stop gawking at trivial bits?”

“It’s not your problem. You do your job, the rest is out of your hands. The rest goes to my peers and me.”

“I still worry.”

“There’s no escape to that.”

* * *

He woke to find her sitting in front of his windows, legs drawn and back hunched. She kept making herself so small, it felt so...defeated. Unlike herself, as if someone had come and taken her place one day and she had yet to come back.

Ben rolled from the bed and tied a housecoat around his waist, the apartment chilly in the colder mornings. She didn’t lift her head when he draped a blanket on her shoulders and sat beside her.

“What are you thinking about, sweetheart?”

It took her a moment to turn, to recognize his voice. The hesitation in her eyes made fear spike down his spine. “How much I want to feel normal again.”

“It’s just a matter of letting yourself be open to change, to accepting the new as it comes hurtling towards you.”

“Easy for you to say. You’ve never been through this.”

He sighed. “Actually, I have, in a sense.”

“Where’s your fake hand?” she asked with a scowl.

He frowned, staying silent a moment. “My uncle severed my connection to the Force when I was younger, from the time I was twelve to eighteen. We figured if I couldn’t reach out, no one else could reach into my mind.” He fiddled with the edges of his robe, suddenly unbearably tired. “It didn’t work as well as we wanted it to, but that period...I felt like a newborn, stumbling blind and deaf in a world that had previously sung melodies to me. There was nothing out there, it was just a huge, looming wall. I was so angry at first, so upset, but my temper didn’t channel out, it just stayed inside until I burst.”

She slid a hand onto his thigh but didn’t shift to look at him, waiting.

“It took so long to get used to it. And when I was reconnected, it was the most painful thing I ever experienced. Every living thing and every dangling emotion flew at me at lightspeed and suddenly I was drowning. I thought for sure I would die, howling in pain in the dirt.”

He closed his eyes, listening to the city spur awake. It was rough to remember this, to let the shards of glass still stuck under his skin hum and quiver in a long-dead rage. It had been for his own good. “So I understand, when I say I know what you’re going through. I know what it’s like to feel half. I just need you to trust me that it gets better when you let it.”

“I can’t imagine what it was like, to lose your connection.”

“Unbearable. I don’t want to dwell longer than I have to. Why don’t you tell me about your mission?”

She nodded and shifted to sit in his lap, lying back against his chest. Her metal leg wasn’t as soft as her flesh and bone one, but it was still part of her, still Rey. Pressing her forehead into his neck, she began to weave a tale of excitement and danger, a long story about a highly important but risky assignment in neutral space. They had boarded a cargo freighter in hopes of finding out where it was going and what the First Order was doing with so many orders of power cores and fuel cells. Something went wrong, though. One of the cells overheated and exploded near her and she was caught in the blast. They’d pulled her out with the leg attached, but there was a high chance that trying to save it would kill her on the table, so they amputated. She didn’t remember being moved, only remembered pleading with the droids, asking not to cut it away. Here she was, though, a new cybernetic jointed right above the knee.

“I was so hopeful that it’d be fine,” she said quietly, stroking the backs of his hands where they met over her waist. “I wanted so badly to come out okay, but the bones were shattered and I was bleeding out too quickly. Any longer and I would have lost too much blood to save.”

“I’m grateful they managed to save _you,_  first and foremost. You make me worry so much, but you’re so strong I know you’ll come out okay.”

“I didn’t make it all the way out, though.”

“But _you_ are alive, you’re breathing and conscious. Everything else comes second to that.”

“Yeah.” She nodded, pressing her lips to the column of his neck. “I’m still here. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

“I don’t think I could get rid of you if I tried.”

“You’re right, you can’t.” She lifted her head and turned to him, eyes a little brighter, a little less crestfallen. “I could go for something to eat right about now.”

“The price of breakfast is a kiss, so I hope you’re willing to pay.”

Her lips were soft against his, tender but begging. She was still hurting, only now hiding it under layers of armor. He’d do everything he could to smooth it away, no matter how long that took.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haven't a clue if any of you are interested, but I've started a tumblr for my writing projects! It's kind of like an aesthetic blog at the moment (if you're into that sort of thing), but I'm going to start posting character details, moodboards, and reference sheets as well. You can find me [here!](http://saloontime.tumblr.com/)


	8. Ballroom Notoriety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Social events had a dastardly way of causing massive bouts of miscommunication
> 
> Rating: T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TO THE WINDOOOOOOOW  
> TO THE WALL  
> TO SOME BAD JOKE ABOUT BALLS  
> [BACK TO MY CAVE I CRAWL](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLKt8BVH_sQ)

"Fifty credits say they're already fucking."

Adaline raised an eyebrow, confusion climbing up her face. " _Fifty?_ "

"What, do you doubt it?"

" _You_ seem pretty sure."

"I've known her forever," Finn said. "I can see it, can't you? And isn't he your charge?"

"Of course, but I haven't caught an _ounce_ —"

"He's only got two outward emotional settings: manipulative bastard and stoic political mask. You're not going to notice."

They were at some political gala, Jedi guards dressed as attendees to throw off any foul play. Adaline stood with Finn near the back of the room, their shoulders pressed to the walls. They weren't particularly interested in jumping into the fray of dancers and slightly tipsy guests. Their favorite friend—Rey, overachiever extraordinaire—was rubbing elbows with delegates from some foreign planet, neither Addy nor Finn caring enough to recognize which. She looked incredible in a dark maroon dress, her hair pulled into a fake-messy style, strands dangling to frame her face.

Ben Organa, Prince of the Floor, was weaving through the social circles, mingling and meandering as he pleased, his smile a charm on its own. Addy watched him carefully, observing the activity around him. It seemed harmless enough, but she continued to let her gaze drift over him. He was easily seven years older than her, but _Force_ was he eye-candy. She flicked her glance to Rey, noting that she too found him to be visually appealing. Her superior tracked Senator Organa as he moved about the room, her eyes barely leaving his direction.

Finn sucked in a breath. "They're _totally_ fucking."

* * *

"You should dance with me," Ben said quietly as he passed by Rey. She was breathtaking in her ensemble, a divine image of beauty. He didn't think he'd last in this effort not to touch her until they got back to his apartment—he wanted her in his arms _now_.

"That wouldn't be appropriate."

"No?"

She disappeared from him again, whisked away on the arm of some other gentleman who deserved her less than Ben—not that he deserved a second of her company. Keeping the disappointment from his face, he knit himself into a new social circle, carving a out a neat niche. Champagne in hand, he decided she'd come to her senses eventually.

She did not, however, opting to tag closer to her Jedi peers. Rey stood beside his guard and her close friend Finn. He wasn't the biggest fan of Finn—suspected he knew more about them two than he let on—but was accepting of her attention given to Addy.

"Ben?"

He turned slowly, forcing his eyes off Rey. Behind him was—

"Nossa?" A grin broke. "I feel as though I haven't seen you in _centuries_."

She grinned, white teeth contrasting nicely against pinkish skin. "At least four years, I think."

Nossa was an old friend, a Zeltron he'd spent much of his early political career with. She worked as a PA to another senator now—one from a mid-rim territory, he forgot which. They had been close, a little closer than they should have been at times.

"You look great," he said quietly, tasting champagne on the roof of his mouth. Music stirred in the air. "Hey…would you care to dance?'

* * *

Rey's drink soured in her mouth, watching the red-skinned girl smile coyly at her lover. Not that anyone knew he was spoken for—certainly not this new addition—and that made it boil worse, knowing she had no place to act out or snatch him back. He took her by the arm and led her away, out of sight to the ballroom's glossy floor. She could feel Ben's emotions from here, a bubbly concoction of nostalgia and excitement. This must have been someone from his past, someone he had known before they'd met.

The thing about Zeltrons, however, was their projection of emotion. She hadn't met one in person, but knew they had strong telekinetic abilities and could worm into another's mind. Rey was, understandably, nervous about letting Ben gallivant around with some unknown _tart_ —

 _Calm down, sweetheart,_ his voice soothed. _She's just an old friend_.

 _And you have your hands all over her_.

The angry thought stopped her cold, glass halfway to her lips. She wasn't a jealous type. She wasn't allowed to _be_ jealous. It was a negative emotion concerning possession. She didn't own him but Force, she felt like he was _hers._ And this was just unacceptable, him allowed— _encouraged!_ —to handle and see other women. Women who were projecting affection onto him, a long-extinguished fire being relight right in front of her.

Frowning, she turned and excused herself, wandering out onto one of the hall's many balconies for a moment of fresh air. This was circling too heavily around her head, catching her under the ribs, unwelcome disgust where it didn't belong.

He wasn't hers.

She loved him, dearly, but he wasn't hers. They had other parts to play, faces and personas to keep to the public. He could not be seen to favor her, dance with her, kiss her on the cheek. She couldn't let her fingers lace with his and walk with him side by side. It wasn't allowed. It was _forbidden_. She wasn't supposed to love like this.

Maybe it was best he stayed with the old flame, grew close to her again, fell in love with _her_ , someone it was acceptable to touch. They could have children, they could be wed, and they wouldn't have to worry about the looming threat of exposure. It would be so _easy_ for him, and for her—she could stop breaking her oath and be stoic once more.

"I never felt as strong about her as I do you." Ben approached like fog over a lake, smooth and silent. His fingers felt for hers and she jerked them away.

"Stop it. We're in public."

"I don't see anyone else around, do you?"

"She wants you back, you know. I can feel it from all the way out here. She's a Zeltron, Ben; she'll make you want her too."

"Nossa and I split off our…whatever it was for a good reason, _years_ ago. She's not a threat to you or your insufferable pride, okay?"

"You wouldn't have to hide with her."

"And I also wouldn't be _happy_ with her, not after meeting you. You are _all_ I have wanted for over a year."

"I get so…paranoid, being kept in the shadows like this. Being hidden away like I'm a shame object."

"You're not. Force knows if this weren't some atrocious sin, I'd have you on my arm near constantly."

She reached for his hand, taking it gingerly before sliding a fraction closer to him. "My mind goes back to what you said a few months ago, that they want you married. If it comes down to it, you'll have to, won't you?"

"I hope not. I'd be the most unfaithful husband, constantly pining after the one who got away. Maybe if my wife didn't mind. Maybe if we both kept secret lovers, the marriage would work out fine."

"If that were the only option, I think I might be able to cope with it."

He moved to kiss her cheek but stopped himself halfway, remembering his place, remembering where they were. "I want to take _your_ hand, though. If I had the option, I would."

"It would be a left-handed marriage."

"Better than nothing, but not good enough." He sighed, straightening his shoulders. "Dance with me. It would be a tragedy for you to remain a wallflower the rest of the evening."

"Ben, my leg—"

"It's been a month, Rey. I know you can handle a dance."

She followed him through the crowd, taking his hand only when appropriate. His hand on the small of her back felt foreign and familiar all at once, her skin immediately receptive to his, but startled in a new context.

The casing for her cybernetic had been changed for this evening, a few of the girls at the Temple squealing when they learned they would be allowed to fiddle with its sheath, to make it a work of art. Not all the new Jedi and padawans had been discovered at their births as she had been and some left behind lives of girlish frivolity and fashionable gowns. One girl—a Hapan, Tava Ket, the most beautiful creature Rey had ever seen—insisted on picking her dress. She wasn't allowed to sit in on this styling process, waiting impatiently until clothing and prosthetic were assembled before her.

The dress split high over where her cybernetic met her thigh, climbing steadily up her body to the point where she felt naked and exposed. The bodice was simple, the neckline was intricate, and its color bled darker as it smoothed down her body. Her cybernetic mimicked the dress' gold collar, metallic patterns swirling like a galaxy over a seamless black plate.

Decked to the nines, she had originally felt awkward and out of place. Now, though, with the way Ben's eyes trailed her in the warm chandeliered light, she blossomed into something beautiful, a smile worming its way onto her lips.

"You look like a nebula," he said close to her ear, twirling her around like planet orbiting a sun.

"You're not half bad yourself."

His dress tonight was nearly all black. He had a weaving silver shoulder piece that dipped partway down his right side, the end protruding over his deltoid. Small stars and crescent moons cascaded from his hair, a dark blue sapphire the size of an olive dangling on his forehead, matching the twinkling azure earrings that hung level with his chin. A saturated bright blue popped at his collar, some sort of necktie pinned under his robes with a black stone. The silver belt at his waist did him justice, accentuating the breadth of his chest and the slight curve of his narrow hips.

She had made a grave understatement—he looked no less than a Prince of the ether, born out of stardust and supernovas. He smiled and galaxies came alive on his lips.

They paused a moment too long in their step and he rushed to catch up, whisking her along like a cloud on a breeze, weightless, effortless. The hand she had on his back had to fight not to trickle into his decorated locks, fight not to pull at the comb that held the ends of his hair in place with a tousled bun. It was barely long enough to put up, but with only a few strands falling to frame his face, he looked divine. She wanted him on top of her, his hair sweaty, the intricately laid ornaments in haphazard patterns across his head.

Regal Ben, it was understandable he had admirers, that others were mesmerized by his beauty the same way she was caught up like an insect in a honey trap. He picked her, though, and the thought sprung back into her ribs like a swell of flower blossoms bursting open to the sun. She ought to stop being so foolish, thinking so negatively. As much of a deceitful silver-tongued snake he was on the Senate floor, he was honest with her, was barely anything but blunt with her. If he said he wanted her, he wanted _her_ , not some easily attainable woman who would fall into his lap. He wanted the Jedi girl with the missing leg and ferocity of a nexu.

Rey squeezed his hand lightly, causing him to catch her eyes. At this point she was certain her gaze was nothing but an affectionate soup, spilling down to the crinkle of her nose and perked corners of her lips. He smiled back, pupils dreamy.

 _I love you_ , he pressed to her mind. It was a small sentence that bloomed around her heart, roses and lilies pushing up from fertile earth.

If circumstances could be damned, she'd kiss him right then, letting their foreheads rest together when their lips parted. Instead, the song ended and they stilled, hands removed from bodies at an appropriate speed.

The Zeltron girl made a perfectly timed appearance, wandering into their space with two drinks in hand. "There you are, Ben. I step away one moment and get roped into more trade policy debates with the Mandalorian ambassador. I think they're siding with us out of a begrudged necessity." She stopped, realization crossing her brow. "Oh, excuse my rudeness. Ben, is this your…?"

"Friend," he said slowly, not drawing the syllables and not blurting too quickly. "Nossa, this is—"

"Rey, Jedi of the New Order." She held out her hand, biting back a frown. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

The other girl took her hand in a warm, firm shake after passing a glass to Ben. " _You're_ the Sure-Footed Mongoose? You're taller than I imagined. I have to apologize for insinuating, the two of you looked comfortable together."

"She was my guard for the duration of the previous year."

Nossa beamed. "Ah, I see. Would you mind if I stole him away for a while?"

Rey's stomach clenched. "Not at all."

Ben was led away by the arm, the other girl so close to him, so unbearably wedged into his personal space. He flickered a tiny apology to her and she sighed, returning to one of the drink tables, her back to the scene.

"Hey." Adaline caught her shoulder after she'd retrieved a neon green concoction. The younger Jedi rose onto her toes, whispering close to her ear. "We need to talk."

Rey nodded, fear settling like stones in her belly. She followed where Addy led, her copper-rose hair swishing in a long rope of a braid. They stepped onto an empty terrace before she wheeled around. "I saw that."

She instinctually played dumb. "Saw what?"

"The eyes, the sigh, the way you stalked back like an injured clawcat. The fact that you're drinking more."

"I had _one_ whisky sour."

"And now you're having some Novanian cocktail that looks like it could kill a man." She took her wrists, pulled her farther away from the doorway. "Rey, _what are you doing?_ "

She was red-handed, wasn't she? "Getting _caught_."

"By _me_. Maybe that's because I'm near you more than anyone else but Finn. Look," she took Rey's drink and set it on one of the tiny metal tables littering the outside. She scooped up her hands, squeezing her fingers in a reassuring manner. "I'm not going to say anything. I respect you and it's not my place. But I'm also not the adult here, I can't judge if what you're doing is actually bad."

"It's actually bad."

"Then why continue?"

Her eyes were pleading, voice soft. Adaline was four years younger than she, but she sounded twice her age.

Rey let out a slow breath, her tone low. "For your sake, I hope you never understand why. It's nothing that makes sense until you're there, and once you are, you can't stop."

"It's like spice, then."

Rey raised an eyebrow.

"My sensitivity was discovered when I was seven. It was a good thing, too, a good excuse to get away from my mom. She was an addict and though I'm sure she tried her best with me, it…I'm certain I'd be following her down if I hadn't left."

"Addy…" Rey took a hand back and brushed back her fringe, tucking a coppery lock behind an ear. "Sort of, I guess. Less detrimental in some ways, just as hard in others."

"Be careful. Someone who likes you less than I might notice, and who knows how that will turn out. I don't want to see you leave us."

And she didn't want to leave. First wall broken, her fears poured out. "It's difficult. I don't expect you to fully understand, but it's so hard to watch others touch him like that, knowing I never can."

"Do you think you'll be okay when he falls in love?"

…She…she only picked up _half_ the story. Addy thought she was _pining_ after Ben, didn't know the feeling between them was mutual. Oh, she could save her ass yet.

"I hope to ditch the crush before then."

"Good." She beamed. "Come back inside with me, we can dance in the back if you want."

Rey slid in easily with Adaline and Finn, chatting aimlessly for the rest of the night. Ben never reappeared in her line of sight (strange, especially with his height) and she dwelled on it only a little, certain that Nossa had moved in closer after learning she and Ben were not an item (though they were).

Addy left when the crowd started to thin, searching out Ben to escort him home. She returned too soon to Finn and her, face snapping from a look of secondhand grief to nothing at all. Rey's heart sunk—she had found him wrapped close to Nossa, the two speaking in hushed voices.

It was after midnight by the time Rey returned to her quarters at the Temple. Some of the girls who had stayed up waiting swarmed her and the four other female Jedi who had attended the gala. Questions got hurled left and right and Rey found herself having a difficult time to detangle from the mess. She thanked the girls for their help and retired to her room, removing the fancy plating from her leg herself.

"You did look extraordinary tonight." Tava Ket stood in her doorway, dreamy smile on her sleepy face. "I don't want this to come off as offensive, but you tend to have a very plain beauty—simple almost—and I think we turned you into a queen."

"Thank you. I still think you stuck blush on a monkey-lizard and shoved it into a nice dress."

"Oh, take some pride in your looks. Good night, Master Rey."

"Good night, Tava."

Lying on her bunk, her thoughts drifted back to Addy's revelation—both her discovery about Rey and the stumbling in on Ben.

Ben, who had promised he had eyes only for her. Ben, who had put his hand on another woman's thigh after saying she meant nothing. She had felt him try to push into her mind when Adaline returned but she shut him down, shut him out. It was easier this way, wasn't it? Cauterizing the wound instead of waiting aching months for it to heal?

It was better for him this way, too. It made his life easier; made him less chance to scandal. His career wouldn't be ruined for loving Nossa the way it would be for loving Rey. And if she loved him like she said she did, shouldn't she want what's best for him? No matter the cost to her?

She sighed and sat up, staring at the gutted frame of her cybernetic leg. It looked far more skeletal like this, the pistons and jointed mechanisms visible without its bulky casing. He'd held her hand the whole way as she got used to it, biting and snapping when she needed a good kick in the ass. He'd held her, told her he didn't want to leave her, or for her to leave him.

This was all so foolish, thinking it could last, even though they'd stuck it out as long as they had. He couldn't _marry_ her. She couldn't love him in the light. They wouldn't get to have a family together. It was selfish of her, so selfish, to keep that from him, especially when she knew how badly he ached for it.

It wasn't her damn place.

In sleep, she managed to escape the damage for a little while. Before she knew it, dreams of tending a flower garden were interrupted by him, colors seeping away until they two stood on dead soil.

"I thought you were going to stay with me tonight," he said softly.

"Adaline came back to tell us she had to wait for you to _untangle_ from some girl before making sure you got home safely. So, Ben, did you take the other girl home?"

He winced. "She saw that?"

" _Yes_ , she saw that. Even I saw it coming." She wrapped her arms around her waist. "Look, it was foolish of us to try this. You want something I can't provide. I _can't_ give you a family—but she can. Do what makes you happy."

" _You_ make me happy."

"And for how long? How long can we maintain this, this— _strained_ relationship? What do you do when you've wasted years of your life loving me only to wake up one morning and realize you don't anymore?" She tried to rein in the tears in from her voice, tried to stop the choked sound before it happened. "We spend more time hiding than we do in each other's company. I don't want to keep doing this to you, preventing you from finding better things."

"It's not about what's better, and it's not always about all the details I want." His voice was low, calm. "I want a family, but with _you_ , not with someone else. If you…want to end this, cut it down the middle, I can promise I won't want to stay with anyone else. I've been thinking about how you said we should end this a month ago—"

"I didn't mean—"

"But it came out, you were thinking about it subconsciously at least. I had been careful about not pushing you closer to that until tonight. I screwed up."

Her breath was shaky. "Did you touch her?"

"No, we just talked. I figured we had looked too intimately familiar during the one dance we got and I wanted to shake suspicion."

"Why aren't you spitting mad with me?"

"Because I'm tired, sweetheart." He sighed and folded his arms over his chest. "I love you, but I'm tired. I didn't know how ugly your jealousy was until tonight and I don't like it. You have to _trust_ me if this is going to work, and at the moment you haven't even an ounce of faith in me."

"You were cuddled close to an _ex-lover_ , Ben. How am I _supposed_ to take it?"

"As a precaution to not reveal _this_."

"Maybe with someone random, but you knew her. You've _slept_ with her before, haven't you?"

He looked away, lips drawn in a tight line. "That was a long time ago."

"Even I could tell she wanted you again. And I'm sure she'd back off if she knew you weren't available—she seemed nice enough—but you did _nothing_ to dissuade her."

"I did nothing to _lead her on_ either!"

"You danced with her more than once, you let her lead you by the arm, you _stayed_ with her when it got late, your personal space all but disappearing." Exasperated, she buried her face in her hands. "Do you have _any_ idea how that comes off? Any at all? Especially with you looking the way you do?"

He snarled. "And how do I _look,_ Rey?"

"Like a prince, Ben." Her voice was quiet, her eyes trained on the ground. "You look like you were carved out of the stars."

"You were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen tonight." Anger had flushed out of him. "You'll hate me for saying it, but the way the dress flashed your cybernetic made you seem like a fortress. You looked so powerful, sweetheart."

"She'd be better for you."

"I don't care; I only want you. I didn't think trying cover us up with faked attention cast elsewhere would shake you so badly."

"It's like a disconnect. I see you doing that for our sake, but I can't help picture you happy elsewhere, able to have all these things I just can't _give_ to you."

"What do _you_ want, sweetheart?"

"I want you happy, as happy and fulfilled as you can be."

"Come over in the morning."

"I can't—"

"Rey, we need to talk. Please."

• • •

She felt like an intruder, letting herself into his apartment as soon as the dawn split the sky. He was awake, but just barely, a cup of caf cradled in his hands. There were no marks on his neck and that gave her the smallest hint of relief.

He gestured for her to sit across from him at the island, nudging a mug at her. "We need to lay some things out if we're going to continue on from here. It would have been nice to know you have a massive jealousy complex _before_ that happened."

"Trust me, I'd have loved to know too."

"But I'm going to be interacting with women like that again; we might seem too close one day, my PR managers might be trying to marry me off because I'm getting old for marriage by my planet's standards, it's good to throw people off every once in a while—things like that. I'll try to avoid it all I can, but it's a situation that won't ever leave the table, all right?"

"I still hate it."

"I'm not fond either, but I want to make us work and that means no one can know we're together."

"I feel like you're petitioning a bill to me."

"I'm sorry." He took a gulp of his caf. "I'm still jittery from the thought you might want to leave me."

"I only want you happy, Ben."

"Good, that means we're going to work for this." He snatched up her free hand, pulling her palm to his lips, thieving a kiss. "I've never been happier before you."

"Even through all this pain?"

"You make me much happier than this makes me ache."

She looked down, blushing hotly. Her insecurities had been getting the best of her for too long. "The hoops we jump through…"

"They're worth it, because it means I get to have you."

"I have a question. What were you and Nossa talking about when Addy came to get you?"

He colored an odd shade of pink. "I wanted her opinions on certain things."

"…What kinds of things?"

"Boring things, politics."

"Why are you turning red, then?"

"Embarrassing political things."

" _Ben_ ," she warned.

"It's really not important. It wasn't anything unsavory, okay?" He sighed and dragged a hand through his unruly hair. "Do you know when you're being shipped off again?"

"I think I'm on-world for another two weeks at the least."

"I think we should go somewhere nice, just us two."

"Like a vacation?"

"Sure. I'll pull some strings and we can disappear to somewhere no one will bother us. The planet my mother's new base is stationed on is rather beautiful."

He had inched closer to her across the counter and she followed suit, eyes big. Sometimes his words were thick and sweet like honey and she found herself unable to resist his charm.

He rose a little to kiss her forehead. "I'm sorry I scared you yesterday, sweetheart. We need to work on your kneejerk conclusions, but I apologize for making you so upset."

"I'm sorry I didn't trust you."

"It's okay, we're going to work on it."

She kissed him smoothly, tingles overwhelming her arms and chest as his fingers curled into her hair. She never, ever wanted to let him go. "When do you want to go?"

"As soon as I'm done with you." He stood and crossed to her, lifting her a little less than gently. "I haven't stopped thinking about how you looked in that dress. _Force_ , if I'd been thinking properly, we could have snuck away early in the night."

"And then you'd ruin the fabric." She nibbled on his neck, slowing the progress to the bedroom. Her fingers were itching to claim him again, to brand him after the brief fear of losing him to someone else. _Hers_ , _hers, hers_.

"I'll make up for it. I'll ruin every pair of panties you wear this week."

Heat sunk low in her stomach in anticipation. Even as he tossed her down onto his messy just-slept-in bed, she couldn't _wait_ to see what he had in store for later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did they talk about that's got him so blushy, what did they talk about?!
> 
> Rey to meet Leia next? Stay tuned...


	9. You, Me...and Adaline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vacation with Ben sounded amazing, truly amazing to Rey's ears.  
> Addy's shrill voice, in comparison, did not.
> 
> Chronological order achieved!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cockblock: SPF 100. Thanks, Addy.
> 
> I really need to work on my Anthology piece, but I am a sucker for this AU.

It was going to be a good week. She'd get to meet Ben's mother, they'd be away from their duties and politics for a while, and they'd have time to relax and spend a few days together.

…With Addy.

Rey liked Adaline, she really did—she was nice, careful, and diligent when it came to protecting Ben. But she didn't like her enough to be stuck with her, on a vacation, which was supposed to be _just the two of them_ , for a week. For whatever reason, the Council had decided they _both_ had to accompany Senator Organa when he went off world to visit his family. True, there had been more attempts on lives as of late and Ben was no exception when it came to being a target, but this was _ridiculous_.

Surely she could handle his safety by herself. Surely she was capable of protecting _one_ senator, especially one who was Force-sensitive. Luke _knew_ that, so why had Adaline been assigned to tag along as well?

"Can't you shake her off?" Ben hissed when they learned they had a new travel companion.

"Me? _You're_ Mr. Manipulator, _you're_ better at mind tricks than I."

"She'll _know_ it's me, Rey. I can't risk exposure."

" _Neither can we!_ "

Ben groaned, leaning his head against the glasses cabinet. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. This was supposed to be for us. I'm frustrated too."

"It can still _be_ for us. Only quietly. In shadows. Away from everyone else. Just like usual."

He made a pained face and drew her to his chest. "You know I hate hiding as much as you do. You _know_ I'd have you in the open if I could. It hurts me the same way it hurts you."

"It hurts me a little more, watching you maintain your cover by flirting."

He cringed, recalling the incident from a few nights ago. "I only have eyes for you, Rey. You know that. I'm yours, fully, in mind and body."

"I know. I'm just…will constantly be insecure about it."

"Because you're not allowed to have this?"

She nodded and laid her head flat against his chest. "Because it's new and foreign. Because it's nothing I grew up to understand."

He was silent a moment, slow breath tickling her scalp. "I hope to help you change that view soon."

"Me too, love."

 

Rey left most of everything she intended to take on Coruscant. No civilian clothing, not the new surprise lingerie that made her feel like a queen, no flimsies, and certainly _none_ of the toys Ben had been gifting her since they'd started…dating? Was this dating?

Maybe they were just lovers. It sounded more appropriate, more forbidden and scandalous, and there were few parts of their relationship that were not either forbidden or scandal.

She couldn't describe how badly she wanted to take Ben's hand as they boarded his personal cruiser. The Delayan office on Coruscant usually made sure he had a pilot (for safety precautions, since he could damn well do it himself), but the offer was waved away with the two Jedi on board and the destination—D'Qar, a planet in the Outer Rim. Even in a jump, it would take at least a day of travel to reach the Ileenium system.

An entire day cooped up with Adaline in addition to Ben.

An entire day she couldn't so much as look at Ben for a second too long.

Addy thought she was getting over some crush, but no, oh no, Rey had no plans to 'get over' Ben anytime soon. He made her feel comfortable and content, happy and less lonely—there was no way she was going to give him up without a vicious fight.

"I'm going to meditate," Addy announced when they started up navigation procedures. Ben nodded and muttered something about a time estimate and Rey didn't look up from her dashboard. She was technically piloting the ship, though Ben was doing most of the work.

"I'll give her an hour before she gets bored," Ben said as he locked coordinates into the navicomputer.

"Really? I'd give her a half, then she'll start nosing without making her presence known."

Sometimes, Rey wished she weren't right.

 

It took a lot of willpower not to sneak into Ben's room aboard the ship when sleep grew heavy in her eyes, he already having retired a few hours before. She'd never traveled on his cruiser, but suspected the bed in his quarters was plush and wonderful. Not to mention warm, with his huge frame curled neatly in the middle, a pillow in his arms, dozing the way he usually did when she wasn't around. She wanted, very badly, to slip in and check on him for a minute or two, maybe kiss his forehead and make sure he was sleeping soundly.

Domestic, that was the word. She wanted to be _domestic_ with him. Loving in that disgustingly cute way whenever they had a moment alone, making little gestures of affection in things as small as lunch and thoughtful trinkets. He had given her a tiny charm when she left on her most dangerous mission to date, something to give her good luck, and she was sick of having to hide it under her robes, unable to wear it openly.

Lying still in a cot across the ship, she shook a hot tear from her cheek, embarrassed and somewhat upset with herself. She wasn't supposed to be feeling like this. She wasn't supposed to hold such tenderness for another in this manner, especially not _him_ , a grand senator. But once, just _once_ , she'd like the opportunity to hold him close without fearing for their secrecy.

 _You know I want that too, sweetheart,_ his voice drifted through her mind. Yes, she knew. She knew they'd made sacrifices when they chose to be together. She knew there were some things normal couples took for granted that would forever be luxuries or impossibilities to them. But she had him—he was hers, though he could never _really_ be hers.

When they landed on D'Qar, her eyelids were rimmed red from a lack of sleep, dark purple petals pressed under her eyes. She felt like a headache and looked like a half-dead rodent, shuffling along behind Ben and Addy as they descended the gangway.

 _You look like chaos,_ Ben's words floated through her mind.

 _Couldn't sleep_.

 _Everything will be fine. You can sleep better tonight_.

She certainly hoped so.

Flanking Addy's right side, she caught sight of their welcome party. Leia Organa was in the middle, far shorter than Rey had pictured her (especially when her son was a _tree_ ). Her crisp eyes glazed over Adaline and stopped dead on Rey, something fierce and knowing in her gaze. She knew. She knew what Rey was to Ben.

And she didn't say a word.

"You look more worn out than the last time," she warned as she pulled her son into a hug. "I know you're a target, but did my brother _really_ have to send you with _two_ knights?"

"He's a worrywart, you know that, Mom."

Adaline's eyes lit up. She tugged on Rey's sleeve. "He's _Leia's_ kid?"

"Addy, he uses _Organa_ as his surname."

"I thought they were more like distant relatives."

"Clearly not."

Leia released Ben from her clutches and moved on to Rey. "You're the Sure-Footed Mongoose, aren't you?"

She shrugged sheepishly. "That's what the HoloNet keeps calling me. Though maybe a little less sure-footed with a bum leg." She tapped the metal with her knuckles.

"My brother's recently been in contact and left me information to give to you. Come along with me. Ben!" Her voice made his head whip around. "Show your guard around the base, I know you know it well enough by now."

Leia's grip was a vice on her arm. She was dragged deep into the base, up more flights of stairs than she wanted to count, and sat down at a small round table and offered some sort of baked good.

"You're the Jedi Ben's tripping over himself for." Leia sat across from her. "He never mentioned who you were, before you go off to kill him. I figured it out, and at this point I'm certain he's aware I know."

She stared slack-jawed. "How—"

"Been alive longer and this is my second time in the spy business. If I can't pick up on little things, I'm not doing my job well."

Rey nodded after a moment, folding her hands in her lap.

"Now, since I'm the mother I have to ask. What are your intentions towards my son?"

"Pardon?"

"I'm just looking out for him, no need to start a panic."

"I…" She looked down. What _were_ her intentions? "I love him, if that's what you're asking. Have for a while; don't plan on stopping anytime soon. We're… _stuck_ in a sense." Rey sighed, facing Leia. Something about her expression made words pour like sand from her mouth. "This is as much as we can be to each other, and the thought pains me. I can't be seen with him, I can't marry your son, and I can't bear his children. Loving me is his own dead-end. He deserves better and more than I can give."

Leia wiped away a tear that had rolled sneakily down Rey's cheek. "You've known me all of a half hour and you're already confessing your biggest fears."

"I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I could talk to Ben, but I don't want to frighten him." She hugged her arms tight to her chest. "And you already know, so it sort of…spilled out."

"Do you want to do all those things?"

She nodded. "I don't want to spend my life away from him. If we have to part, he can move on, find someone new, but I'll be alone again, always pining in the shadows."

Leia sighed, unsure of what to say.

A perfectly timed interruption, the door to her quarters slid open onto the face of the man in question. He raised an eyebrow before slinking in alone. Ben's smile fell a fraction at the sight of Rey's distress.

"Have you been interrogating one of my guards?"

"I've been having a nice chat with _your_ _girl_."

"Of _course_ you know."

"You look at her too affectionately during some of your speeches." Leia patted an empty chair. "Stay a while. Where'd you ditch the other one?"

"Downstairs with Dad—who's here, by the way, thanks for telling me. She's already enamored with the _Falcon_."

Ben slid into a chair beside Rey, taking her hands into his lap. She felt both comforted and burned by the gesture.

"I was under the impression it was just to be the two of you with us, not an extra munchkin tagging along."

"Luke insisted," Rey said with a sigh. "I'm not sure if he has suspicions about us or is concerned with Ben's safety, but I couldn't talk him down."

"Do you want me to keep her out of your hair? The two of you look exhausted."

" _Please_ ," Ben said with a groan, resting his head atop Rey's. "She's more energetic than any other seventeen-year-old I've met."

"Wait until you have kids."

" _Mom!_ "

"I'm just saying, _you_ were impossible to catch when you decided you wanted to run around. Never seemed to have anything but a full tank of energy."

Rey knew Ben was blushing from the irked noise he made. "Are my rooms the same?"

"You're down the hall and to the left, figured I'd give you the bigger guest suite since you'd be having company."

Now _Rey_ blushed.

"Take a nap or whatever you kids do to calm down. Dinner is served in the mess starting at seven, but I thought you might want to eat with your father and me instead?"

"Fetch me when it's time."

He rose slowly, weariness heavy in his limbs. She made to follow as he left the room, held back by Leia's gentle fingers.

"You can talk to me, if you need to. I know it might be a little strange, confessing things to your significant other's parent, but—"

"I appreciate it." She meant it, too. "It's nice to have an ear every now and again."

Leia smiled. "Good. Go get some rest, you look like you've fought a wampa."

Rey avoided taking Ben's hand as he led her to his rooms, staying a few paces behind him at all times.

"Sweetheart, no one here _cares_." He grabbed for her, frustrated, and pulled her closer. "That's why I wanted to bring you here. Aside from Addy, no one here would tattle, and she's floors down right now."

"I'm just so used to the secrecy, I feel naked without it."

"If we're safe anywhere, it's here." He keyed into his quarters, guiding her along in the dim front room. He was peppering her with kisses the moment the door closed, tugging her to follow to the bedroom.

"Have I told you how much I love you yet today?"

"Do you keep track of the _days?_ "

"Sometimes. Not always. Depends on if you're around or not."

"Do I worry you that much?" she asked, voice falling.

"You're always in danger, sweetheart. It's hard not to. But it's good, too, it means I care about you."

So much he couldn't dream of being without her.

He laid her down on the bed, kissing her as he removed her robes, his breath warm on her skin. Down to her underwear, she rose on her knees to shuck him of his clothing, pulling him down into her arms when his pants hit the floor. She always craved his skin on hers; relished what little moments they had for contact. She kissed him sweetly until she grew drowsy in the heat of his arms. He felt so _nice_ to be near.

He felt like home.

• • •

"How did you put up with this?" Rey asked, picking at grass stalks. In her dream, she sat across from Anakin, his eyes a brilliant blue, reflecting the sky above.

"With the hiding? I barely did. Padmé dealt with it better, always had. I got so tired of it all I stopped making a huge effort to conceal our relationship."

"And no one really found out?"

"Obi-Wan must have suspected, but he never said a word to rat us out."

"It's just…" She trailed off, eyes focusing on a clump of trees far off. "I want to have a normal life with him. I don't want to have to leave him for anything, but nothing anchors us together."

"Love isn't enough?"

"It is, but sometimes I get scared he'll leave. Decide this is all too much of an effort to stay. Find someone easy to love and start a family."

"Do you want a family?"

"I can't have one. You know that."

"Rules aside, would you want to start one with him?"

She nodded. "In a number of years down the line, yeah. I can see myself enjoying that. Nestled in his arms—"

"With the proof of your love in yours. A living thing that belongs to both of you, comes from both of you."

"A gift I can't give."

"At the present. Don't prematurely shut your doors."

"I'd need a miracle to do that."

Anakin shrugged. "They're known to happen sometimes."

* * *

"What was it like when you got married?"

Padmé sighed, taking in Ben's face. He'd approached her in a dream, confused as how to proceed with his relationship, how to do right by the girl.

"It was…beautiful. The sun was dying over the lake and your grandfather was handsome in his robes. Worse for wear after a battle though still charming. Never all that good with his words, but his actions spoke volumes."

"And you weren't, you know, put off by the proposal?"

"I was a little at first. Marriage is a frightening prospect when you haven't thought on it much. It's different for you and me because we had other places to look for life partners. I could have married someone whose name I'd never have to hide. It could have been _so easy_ , but a love worth having is never easy. It takes a lot of work."

"Was Granddad ever worried about that? The fact you could have had it easier?"

"He was jealous frequently. I'm not sure if it's just who he is or if it were tied to the Code. The fact that I could walk away and he couldn't may have made it worse. Why?"

"Rey is…easily upset when I have to put on airs to maintain my bachelor status. She feels like I'll up and leave her the moment something pretty walks by."

"But you wouldn't, would you?"

"Of course not. One, I think it's impossible that anyone else could outshine her. She got dressed up at a gala about a week ago and Gran you should have _seen_ her. All fire and sunlight." He hid his face in his hands, enormous smile still peeking through his fingers. "She has a simple beauty to her face and she's the most amazing woman I've ever met. I feel humbled in her presence."

"Do you think she's the one?"

"Yes." He nodded and looked back up, eyes shining. "She's all I've ever wanted and I'll always be hers, no matter what."

"Even if she breaks you apart?"

"I don't want to give my heart to another. I don't want to wake up beside anyone else. I know I want a family, but if I can't have that with her, I no longer see the point."

Padmé smiled. "I remember when I found out I'd be having Luke and Leia. Despair was first, knowing we'd be discovered, but after that was elation. I'd be able to give Anakin the family he'd longed for, to make him—"

"—Feel less alone," Ben finished. "I understand completely. But Rey's the Jedi. We couldn't hide a pregnancy."

"And that's fine, sweetie. If the time comes, you'll know when it's right."

• • •

Rey was already kissing his cheeks when he woke, her palms warm on his neck. He nipped at her nose as it passed and she giggled, pulling back to look into his eyes. She favored the color—had told him so on numerous occasions when the sun spilled in the mornings.

"We're supposed to go to dinner in a half hour." She ran a hand through his now-messy hair. "Your mother came by about an hour ago, offered me an old dress that I declined and informed me that Addy's being kept busy with the junior pilots in the mess."

"She'll be back on the prowl for us soon enough. I'd wager we have until nine at the latest before splitting again."

Rey pouted. "Someday we'll get to spend a whole day alone, no one to surprise visit or bother us."

"I hope we do."

"C'mon, love," she said softly, rising and tugging his arm with her. "We ought to get ready."

He watched her spine shift as she stood, eyes glued to the gentle curves of her frame, taking note of how nicely her cybernetic fit into her person. Not just physically, but mentally, too. It reflected her strength, her beauty, how truly amazing she was at adapting.

In that moment, he knew they'd get through anything.

He let his feet hit the cool synthwood floor, rising slower than she. Digging through his clothes, his fingers grazed the edge of a small container, one of great importance—one he shouldn't be leaving lying about. He slipped it into his pants pocket when she left for the 'fresher, his hand idly tracing its shape.

Soon, it would be the right time. He smiled softly to himself. _Soon_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh it's a two-parter at least! I'm excited about the next half of their stay!  
> A lot seems to be brewing, if you get my drift.


	10. Nightblooming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a garden of earthly delights, a man spills his heart to a woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _WHAT'S IN THE BOX?_

Han Solo was exactly the legend she pictured him to be: tall, older but still handsome, and with a wry smile that seemed to never leave his face. Ben had his nose and shared the same look of agony when scolded by Leia. She imagined Ben would look something like his father when he got older, silver fox hair and lively eyes. She got lost in her impossible daydream, picturing the two of them together; wizened but happy, grandchildren playing in the garden, decades of loving years stretching on for miles.

"Rey." Ben's voice brought her back to the present. He was attempting to pass her a warm cup of caf, part of the meal served before dessert. The customs of a formal dinner were lost on her and she took it blankly.

They had spoken on work for most of the affair. She offered some about what the Jedi were doing at the moment, how she was being flung off world at least once a month. Ben mentioned politics once and the whole night dived quickly into senatorial duties and the current factions in the New Republic's government. Leia's nose curled, disdain clear on her face. She'd been a Senator as well, stepping down when Ben was still a boy. They shared a great deal of opinions it seemed, both becoming frustrated with the same issues.

When Ben took her hand on top of the table, she watched Han push gold credit chips at Leia, a frown on his face.

"So what's our boy done to get you to break your rules?"

" _Han!_ "

"What?" He winced when Leia smacked his arm. "She seems nice and Ben is a mess with girls."

" _Dad._ "

"No, it's okay." Rey squeezed Ben's hand until he looked to her, his face doused in a blush. "He's been incredible. He's patient, very loving, and hasn't let me mope around or be less than I am."

Their eyes were still glued together. She grinned hugely and he smiled like an idiot before mouthing _I love you_. She knew. She knew how deep that love ran because it reflected so easily in her chest. If they weren't seated in front of his parents right now, she'd probably kiss him, her cheeks burning and heart light. And he'd pick her up, holding her close as he carried her off to bed, a mountain of kisses and soft words waiting in the sheets.

She hoped she'd get to sleep beside him tonight, already missing their contact from the afternoon. It was so unfair, how all their moments alone had to be stolen or well bargained for.

"Hey kids."

Their attention snapped back to Han and Leia, red creeping hotly up both of their faces. Han wore a knowing smirk while Leia's smile was sweet. Oh, they knew. They'd been through this all before, but Rey still felt the embarrassment growing in her stomach. She liked his parents, though. Even for all the teasing, they weren't upset by Ben's choice of loving her, and that was what mattered most. He could have picked someone he'd be able to marry and love in public, but he chose her, and while she felt a little sad she was robbing him of a life without secrets, she was happy to be with him. He was her moon and stars.

"We're going to be babysitting the other Jedi all week, aren't we?" Han asked. He winked. He _knew_.

"Not the whole week. She'll get suspicious at some point, and I probably shouldn't ignore her while we're here."

"Oh, come on. You two aren't supposed to be so bothered while on vacation." Leia waved away Ben's protest. "It's all right, we'll do what we can."

Dessert went quietly, more small talk made to curb the embarrassment of the younger couple. Rey stole a fair amount off Ben's plate and he let her, stifling laughs when she made an effort to be sneaky.

"I want to show Rey the gardens, if that's okay with you." Ben had his hands folded together on the table, a glint in his eyes. Han raised an eyebrow before he picked up the same look and nodded.

"I'll hold Adaline off for a bit. Go do whatever it is you kids do outside at night."

* * *

"What do you think of her?" Leia asked when her son had spirited his Jedi off to the grounds, rushing outside like an over-excited child.

"Nice kid. I can tell why she's gotten such a name on the HoloNet."

She _was_ nice. Not very patient, but her heart was in the right place. She looked at Ben like he held the whole galaxy in his hands, the same way Han had looked at her when they'd first fallen in love. Now Han's gaze was more eternal, a comfort meant to last a lifetime, growing strong out of youthful wonder and amazement.

"He's completely smitten."

Her husband nodded, leading her to the sofa in the den. "He's _hopeless_. How do you think Luke is going to take this?"

Leia sighed. She hadn't a clue what her brother would think. Disappointment? Likely. Anger? Possible. Sadness? …Maybe. It would be hard, breaking apart a couple like them. She wasn't supposed to love him, but she did to a point where it was heartbreaking to watch. And he—her son was beyond in love with that girl. She was Luke's student, Ben was his nephew—how difficult would it be to split such a union?

"I don't know. I don't know how much he blames our father's marriage to our mother for his downfall. If a lot, not well. I'd hate for him to find out, for it to crush Ben. He's already been so unstable for so long."

"For their sake, I hope he doesn't find out."

Leia smiled, settling into her husband's side. "Is this a secret admission to wanting _grandkids?_ "

" _What?_ How did you get _that_ from wanting Ben to be happy?"

"Children follow love a lot of the time. If they stay together, something is bound to happen. Besides, you still do so well mentoring all your racers. There'd be another kid in the family to teach to fly."

Han grumbled, but she knew he was thinking about it. "They're going to get in trouble if that happens."

"If they've got enough support, maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing."

" _Maybe_. You sound uncharacteristically optimistic, sweetheart."

"I want our boy happy. And maybe a little more."

* * *

The gardens were more beautiful at night.

Many of the flowers and blossoms on D'Qar opened to the moon instead of the sun, petals glistening in light colors. They were shaped for the nocturnal insects and bats that lived in the forests, meant to attract their pollinators with lush scents and bright faces. He held Rey's hand as they wandered through the foliage, the heat of her skin calming his nerves. He was understandably jittery—not that she would know why.

"I like your parents," she said softly when they stopped beneath a blooming tree, its white five-petaled flowers cascading in vines down to the earth. "They seem a little quirky, but there's a lot of both of them in you."

He tugged her closer. "How so?"

"You've got your dad's smile, all lop-sided and cocky."

"I do _not_ have a cocky smile."

"You sure as hell don't have a modest one."

He pulled her in for a kiss, excited to have the night overhead and her in his arms. "Maybe not, but I know it's full of love for you."

"Don't get cheesy on me," she warned with a laugh. "You're a sap enough as it is. What if this bleeds out when we get back?"

"We'll have to claim we're great friends or something. Pretend you're trying to play matchmaker for me or something."

"Ah, what a great position, especially since the man's fallen in love with the matchmaker instead."

"Personally, I much prefer it that way." He pressed his lips to her forehead. "She's more beautiful than any other girl she could introduce to me."

"I'm not that pretty."

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, or ever wanted to have."

"But I—"

"Don't start with the leg. We've gone over that so much; I don't care, I love you."

She nodded and nuzzled into his side, watching as his fingers traced over a broad leaf. "It's hard to put together sometimes, you know?" Her voice was low, almost melancholy. "That you can love me as much as you do. That I'm good enough. What makes me different from the others? Why _me?_ "

"You're brave," he started, taking her hands back and drawing her deeper into the garden. "You're smart, cunning. You've got a boyishness about you, something that makes you never settle for nonsense. You don't need me to protect you, or to remind you that you're amazing because you do it for yourself. Others do it too, but your own validation is most important to you."

She took a hand back to wipe at her eyes. He'd failed to notice a gathering tear and moved to kiss it form her cheeks.

"You help me," he continued, brushing hair from her face. "Sometimes to be more patient, others to be a better person. Make me feel less alone. I _want_ to be all I can for you, because you deserve nothing less, Rey."

"I'm not that special." Her voice was near a whisper.

"What has gotten _into_ you?" he asked, bringing her back into his arms. "You weren't this upset earlier."

"Your parents," she started, losing half her words to a sigh. "Your parents are so…happy together. Or they seem that way, at least. And they're good for each other, you know? They're in equilibrium; they balance each other out. And I…I'm so _worried_ we don't have that. That I love you so much more than you'll ever love me, or that for some reason we're not actually fitting together that well. We yell at each other sometimes, we fight."

He raised an eyebrow and deadpanned. "Do you think my parents have never fought?"

"Not really."

Ben bowed his head to rest on her shoulder before laughing, the sound loud and deep from his lungs. He laughed until tears threatened the corners of his eyes and he had to steady himself on her shoulders.

"My parents do _nothing_ but fight. I'm pretty sure they met each other fighting."

"But they…they _love_ each other through that?"

"Well, _yeah_." He ran a hand through his hair. "Most of the time it's not important and they do it to stay on their toes. It's the courtship of two very stubborn people—but Mom always wins."

"Then it's rigged, isn't it?"

"Maybe, but they're happy with each other. I might have grown up a little rough to understand that wholly, being thrown around month to month to the other parent, but there wasn't any doubt that they didn't at least appreciate each other."

She rose on her toes to kiss his cheek. "What do you mean you got thrown around?"

"In order to… _deter_ a pursuer—I'd been targeted since I was born, powerful Force-user of the Skywalker line and all that—my parents kept moving me around throughout the galaxy. Sometimes I'd stay with Dad and we'd travel all over. It was exciting until it got dangerous, then I'd go back with Mom and she'd haul me around for diplomatic things until _that_ got dangerous."

"So you grew up without a real home?"

"Kind of? That's never really bothered me too much."

Her arms came to rest around his waist, her head pressed to his chest. "It's aching though, to not have roots. At least I had a consistent bedroom."

"It wasn't all bad." He tipped her chin up, wanting to see her dark star-stained eyes. "If they didn't do their best to protect me, we might have never met. Or, perhaps we would have under extremely different, entirely terrible circumstances. I wouldn't change my past if it meant changing how I met you."

"I'd change it a little so I weren't bound to the Code, but nothing else. Nothing if it means not having you."

Oh, those words. Hearing that he was hers always stirred flutterings in his stomach, even after all this time. He dipped to kiss her forehead, moving slowly as his lips trailed down the bridge of her nose and to both cheeks. She hummed when he nipped down her neck, her hands tracing up his back. She was warm in his arms and in response he felt warm down to his bones.

This was the one.

This was the woman he wanted his life with, fiery and dazzling and _his_. This was she, the owner of his heart, and he had lost the words to tell her how much she meant, to go beyond what he could say with his actions. He loved the way she kissed him softly, without a rush to her lips. Her hands tangled into his hair and he sighed in delight, calm and content with the night.

When they broke apart, he got lost in her gaze, the love pouring from her almost overwhelming. It was leaking form him too, trickling in waves from his heart. She looked like a flower under the moonlight, her grin open to the stars. He kissed her once, twice more, before fishing something important from his pocket.

This was it.

"Sweetheart," he said softly, pressing the small black box into her hands. "I have an offer to make."

Her eyes were wide. "Ben."

"It's been almost two years since we've met, and I don't think there's a time in my life where I've been happier than when I'm beside you." It was customary to kneel, but he remained on his feet, his hands resting on her hips. "You're everything that's important to me, sweetheart." He kissed her forehead. "I want to be yours, fully, if you'll have me."

With wide, dumbfounded eyes, she opened the box. It was a small charm, a pattern of emerald leaves laid into a silver shape. He'd taken the dimensions of her lightsaber a long, long time ago, meaning to gift something that would fit perfectly into the hilt. It was small, sentimental, and unobtrusive; something that wouldn't be recognized for what it was.

" _Ben_."

"It would be a promise, some peace for your jealous mind," he teased. "A way to keep me close when you're far away."

She swallowed hard. "I don't know what to say."

"Say _yes_ , sweetheart." He laid kisses on her cheeks, planting flowers in her bones. " _Say yes._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait, was that a yes?
> 
> On a totally separate note, I'm thinking of switching around the two or three out-of-order chapters and making this linear. Thoughts?


	11. Conflicts Without Resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Mawwige](https://youtu.be/Sbqv3MwwVd8?t=14) is whut bwings us togevveh today. Wike a dweam wifin a dweam. Wuv too wuv will fowwow you forwever so tweasure your wuv.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not dead.
> 
> It's 2am and I am A L I V E

"This isn’t a good idea.”

“I never said it was.”

Rey looked from the trinket back to him. “Then why are you asking?”

“Just because it isn’t a good idea doesn’t mean I don’t want it. I’ve realized your jealousy is inevitable, so I’m trying to placate it. This is a promise I’m making to you. Doesn't have to be now, doesn’t have to be soon.”

“It’s a lot to think about, Ben.”

“So think about it, I’m not going anywhere.” He pushed the box back into her hands, wrapped her palms around the velvet.

“I’m going to be off-world for three months when we get back.”

“Then you can spend some time away from me and come to a clear decision. I’m not asking you to rush.”

She opened the box again, scrutinizing the cut of the emeralds. “You didn’t go to your usual jeweler, did you?”

Ben colored. “No. Remember the gala, how I was asking Nossa something private?”

Her blood curdled. “Yes.”

“She’s got a few connections in stonework and I asked if she could pull a few strings for me as a favor. I didn’t want to lie, and I didn’t want to tell you before I thought the timing was better.”

“You’re really serious about this.”

“Absolutely. I’ve been thinking about asking for a while now, and I mean it. I won’t have anyone but you.”

“Ben…” She rested her free palm on his cheek, eyes fluttering closed when she leaned in—

A shrill voice cut through the evening air and he swore. They tore apart, her heartbeat thundering in her ears, the fear of getting caught looming too closely for what felt like the millionth time.

“I thought your parents said they had her handled,” she gritted, anger creeping up her nerves to replace the fear.

“I guess she’s a lot more work than they were expecting.”

“Ben?”

That wasn’t her name. Rey took the opportunity to leap into the flowering tree, hoping to the heavens the foliage would give her some sort of cover. It would be worse if Adeline caught them together. Doubly worse if she caught even a hint of the box’s existence.

“Addy?”

“Poe wanted to see you and your dad thought you might be out here.” Copper braids stopped in Rey’s line of sight. “He needs help with something and asked me to come find you.”

 _Son of a bitch_ , Ben’s voice echoed in her head. _I’m sorry, sweetheart_. “Did he say what it was he needed me so urgently for?”

“Something about a…a bet, and a prostitute?”

What the kriff?

Ben groaned. “I’m going to kill him. Where is he?”

Rey waited until their footsteps had left her earshot, dropping gracefully to the ground. The impact made her bad knee buzz a moment, the stabilizers realigning themselves. She was still getting used to big movements with it. Running was fine, but jumping frequently left her off-balance and sloppy. The em-dees said it would work better than an organic leg when she had better control over it, but making progress didn’t feel natural.

With a sigh, she trudged through the gardens and back to the main base, dew wetting her boots. She should have expected their privacy to last a blink, no longer. Either Luke was fearful of Ben’s safety, or he was suspicious about his nephew’s intentions towards his favored protégée. Either or, it was making her life unnecessarily difficult and complicated.

“Is something the matter?” Leia asked when she reappeared outside the General’s quarters.

“Can I come in?”

Leia stepped aside to let her past, eyes trailing after her carefully. “What changed?”

After being escorted into the sitting room and brought a cup of tea, Rey set the box on a table between them. Leia took it gingerly, noting the weight before opening the lid. “Ah,” she said softly. “That does change things.”

“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now.” Rey held her mug close to her heart, the warmth of it passing through her light tunic. “I know what I want to say, but it’s not right. I should say no.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m supposed to say no. Because none of this should be happening. I shouldn’t be happy like this, and I really shouldn’t have any attachments at all. I was on track to take the title of Grand Master with a little more patience and training, but your son had to waltz into my life and mess it all up.” She exhaled quickly, finding her throat tight and heavy with a suppressed sob.

“Do you always play by the rules?”

“I’m sorry?”

"What I mean is, do you do everything my brother asks without questioning it? Have you never done to opposite because you felt it was right?”

“I’m breaking the rules now.”

“Aside from this, aside from now. Do you expect to live the rest of your life doing exactly what everyone else tells you to?”

She looked away. “No.”

"Then to hell with how my brother is going to take it. He won’t be around one day and you will. What do _you_ want, Rey?”

“I want to be happy, I think.”

“Does being a Jedi make you happy?”

She nodded. It did. She liked what she did, who she was because of it. Even the smallest of feats she accomplished while performing basic tasks made her lover so proud of her, and she loved that. She could see the spark he got in his eyes when she told him about her missions, the way his chest swelled when he looked on from afar.

“The last time Ben visited, he mentioned that he had fallen for a Jedi, but never said who. I figured out it was you without him hinting at all. Do you want to know how?

“How?”

“There were a few broadcasts where you appeared together. You had such happiness in your gaze and it was reflected in his. Love can be many things, but it always looks the same—it’s unmistakable. If you’re questioning how you feel, don’t. It's clear you two care about each other. Question what you want, and how you’ll get there.”

“Can I ask a prying question?”

“Go right ahead.”

“Did you say yes to Han immediately, or did you have to think about it?”

Leia laughed. “I asked _him_. He was never going to hit me with that sort of a question. I don’t know how much Ben has told you about his father, but Han is a bit of a wanderer. He can’t sit tight for more than a few months at a time.”

“Oh.”

“He did take a while to come around. But, both people should really be on the same page before popping the question.”

“Well…” Rey sighed and sipped at her tea. “He didn’t really say what he was asking. I’m assuming it’s marriage because what else could it be?” She wrinkled her nose. “I can’t get married. I’m barely twenty-two.”

“Age isn’t as important as readiness.”

“I’m certainly not ready.” She wasn’t ready to say yes and stuff herself into a dress soon, but she might be ready to give her commitment to one person. He’d already had her to himself for two years, but _marriage_ felt so final. So definite.

“Talk to him. Think about it and talk about it. You won’t get anywhere without having a conversation first.”

She thanked Leia with a hug when it was time to retire to sleep. She turned in the direction of the guest quarters before Leia spun her around and almost marched her to where Ben was staying. She was subjected to muttered frustration about just taking the damn offer and not sneaking about before the General disappeared down the corridor, giving her a final warning look when Rey tried to turn around a second time.           

* * *

 

 “I’m about ready to hang you by your toes.”

Poe, cocky as ever, sat at the small table in his room while Ben paced like a nexu, furious and ready to pounce. “Come on, what could I have possibly dragged you from? An evening with your parents?”

“A proposal I never got an answer to.”

“Is Leia trying to goad you to come back and join us?”

“I was the one doing the proposing to a girl.”

“Ah, so the famed mistress is here?” His smirk dropped. “It’s not the little annoying one, right?”

“Addy’s a teenager for kriff’s sake.”

“Oh. Wait, the famous one? You’re seeing the famous one, you know, one of two Jedi recognizable on the HoloNet?”

“Well, I’m not dating my uncle, so yes, Poe, you’ve come to an astounding revelation.”

“Am I allowed to meet her, or are you still not taking chances. Though, I will remind you, I do know who she is now, so I should meet her. It’s only fair.”

“Why does that make it fair?”

“Because I’m your best friend and you’ve been hiding this girl from me since you started seeing her. I care about you and I don’t want you hurt again, so I want to meet her.”

Ben’s expression dropped to one of knowing agitation. “You want to see her leg.”

“It does seem awfully cool.”

“She doesn’t like it.”

“So if she doesn’t like it, I’m not allowed to see it?”

“Do you know how odd that would be? ‘Hey Rey, this is Poe, he’s my childhood best friend, and he’s wanted to see your leg since you got it.’”

“Ben Solo, you are smooth as sandpaper and it is a wonder you’ve ever managed to woo a woman.”

“How the kriff am I _supposed_ to phrase it then?”

“You don’t. I bring it up in conversation. But first you need to introduce us.” Poe sighed. “Look, while I think her leg is interesting, my motive here is to see who she is. I want what’s best for you, buddy.”

Ben checked the chrono on his wrist. “Tomorrow. Breakfast. She’s probably long asleep by now.”

 

She slept like the dead, unmoving weight in his bed. He sighed at the sight of her, limbs sprawled, hair drenching the pillows, small snore from the way she’d turned her head. He kissed her forehead when he curled beside her, letting a content hum bubble up from his chest. He didn’t need an answer soon, was certain he knew what it would be. For now, he was satisfied enough to lie next to her, to feel her warmth in his arms.

She stirred when he let his fingers idle on her back. “Hey.”

“Hello there, princess.”

“Where were you spirited away to?”

“Poe.” He shook his head. “You’ll meet him in the morning. Don’t pay attention to any of his charms, he’s all pretty words and no substance.”

“You sound bitter.”

“I wanted to stay with you, of course I’m bitter.”

She laid her hand on his cheek and sighed, leaning in to kiss him. “We’ll get time alone again, don’t worry.”

“It feels like we never get a moment alone.”

"We’re alone now, right?”

"It’s different. Don’t get me wrong, I love sleeping next to you, but it’s not the same if every moment we share is in the sheets.”

“If you’re suggesting we fuck too much, I have news for you.”

He chuckled. “I meant I want to do more things with you than just spend the night. It’s important to me that you get to experience other couple-y things.”

“Ben, I am happy doing whatever makes you happy.”

“Do you want to see the rest of the base tomorrow? I could give you a tour.”

She yawned, drifting back asleep. “I’d like that.”

He would, too. It would take his mind off her absent answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh, it's been like what, a year and a half?


	12. Black Petaled Beauty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not easy, admitting insecurities, anxieties, little fears. It's not simple, but it needs to be done

Poe was…interesting, for a lack of a better word. He had an absolutely devilish smile and tried to hit on her more than twice. The look in Ben’s eyes when that happened was positively murderous, and she was certain he’d have punched Poe if they weren’t old friends. Actually, she wasn’t sure if that would be enough to stop Ben.

“You know I’m seeing her, right?” he bit the third time it happened.

“You’re not married, I don’t see the harm in being charming.”

Right, the marriage thing. The proposal she was ignoring, along with all the conflict and confusion boring into her ribcage. Poe’s quip sent Ben into a cold mood, hissing when Poe laughed, but Rey wasn’t paying attention. She was too caught up on the question from last night, still so lost.

She stood and Ben immediately snapped from his bickering. “Is everything okay?”

“No, I need to go lie down. I don’t feel well.”

Ben gave her a hurt look but nodded.

She did feel bad. She had wanted to talk to his friend more, but ever since her conversation with Leia, she’d felt worse, somehow. When he came to bed last night, her heart sunk down into her stomach. Why was it so hard to accept that what felt wrong wasn’t always the wrong thing? Why hadn’t this been an issue for months, but ate at her now.

His bed still smelled like him, musk mixed with an old growth forest, firs and crisp air layering between the sheets. She wiped at a tear before it fell. Rey hated having to evaluate all of this, all the nonsense that crept into her mind, all the anxiety and fear she didn’t want or need. Couldn’t she just…be happy?

Her love had proposed to her, told her she was the only thing he wanted, that life without her wasn’t good enough. He’d been saying, over and over—for _months_ —that he’d never take someone after her. And her idiot brain kept rearing in jealousy, in fear.

In insecurity.

She couldn’t help but convince herself he was lying, or blind to how their romance would end. It had to end painfully, right? There was no way in this galaxy they would come out of this on a high note. Every road led down, every other path on the map scratched off or ending in sorrow and thorns. And then one morning he would stop loving her, and she would again be alone.

* * *

 “Well, she’s more skittish than I pictured.”

Ben glared over his breakfast, emotions turbulent. “She’s clearly not having a good morning.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Yours.”

“No, yours. She was fine until I made the marriage comment.”

“That makes it your fault.”

 “I didn’t propose to her. Maybe you don’t understand her enough, Ben,” Poe continued, stabbing fruit with a fork. “I don’t know her, maybe I’m talking out of my ass, but I don’t think I’ve seen anyone go from lukewarm to cold so fast.”

“I know she cares about me.”

“But did the two of you ever talk about this before? I only learned she existed a few months ago, but you thought it was time to ask the big question.”

“We’ve been together for a little over two years.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “She has such a jealousy complex, I thought maybe this would help her feel less insecure.”

“You can’t fix her insecurity by throwing a ring at it.”

“Can you not pick me apart for once?” Ben sighed.

“Stop giving me reasons to. Go talk to her.”

 • • •

She was in the middle of his bed, silent tears streaming down her face. Ben felt a jolt of panic, moving quickly to settle down beside her, to hold her. He hated seeing her like this; his beautiful strong girl reduced to sobs and fractured pieces. She cried harder against his chest, her hands balled in the fabric of his tunic. He’d seen her broken before—it had been bad after her amputation—but this was far beyond that level. She didn’t look like Rey.

“I’m sorry,” she said finally when she calmed down a little. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“Do what, sweetheart?”

“I can’t marry you, Ben.” She hiccuped and the sobs came back. “You can’t marry me.”

He kissed her crown, a sadness lingering where it had been expelled ages ago. “I can, and I want to, but that doesn’t mean we have to. It’s okay, Rey.”

“It’s not okay.” She lifted her head, her eyes bloodshot and cheeks ruddy, vessels broken under her eyes. “How much longer do we last, Ben? How much? I’m saying no, shouldn’t that be the end?”

“Don’t do this, Rey.” He sighed. “Don’t throw that at me if you don’t mean it. Remember what we talked about after your surgery?”

“I do mean it.” She leaned away from him, brought her hands up to cover her eyes. “I want you to be happy.”

“Then I don’t know why you keep suggesting I pull my own heart out.”

Oh, gods, she cried harder at that.

“Rey, listen to me please.” He scooped her back onto his lap and brought his chin to rest on her head. She didn’t struggle, didn’t fight, but he could feel her meekness and fear thrumming under her skin. “You have this…issue, I think, accepting me.”

“I don’t.”

“You do. Every time I try to get closer, you hide deeper into your shell. You tell me you love me, and I can see in your eyes that you mean it, but when I say it back, I always get the feeling you think I’m lying to you. That it’s not clicking.”

“I can’t get my head around it.” Her voice was soft and it shattered his heart. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, what’s broken in here—” she placed her hand over her ribs, “—but Ben…why do you want to suffer a life in the dark for me? What’s so good about me?”

“A life without you is more pain than hiding in the shadows for you. You’re kind and brave and you love me with your whole heart.” He squeezed her closer, wanting to will away her pain. “What more could I want in a partner than what you already give me?”

“A family.”

"We shouldn’t rule that out so soon.”

“And how would that work, Ben? How would we hide that?”

“Maybe some day in the future we won’t have to hide. Don’t you want to stick around until that happens?”

“I’m sorry.” She wiped at her eyes and curled her fingers into his. “It’s just hard for me to accept that you love me. That I’m deserving of that much. You’re right; I look at you like you hung the stars, and somehow I can’t grasp that you feel the same way.”

“But I do, and you need to come to terms with that if you want to stay with me, and I know you do.” He reached through their bond for her, trying to smother her with his feelings, coax the smallest bit of relief out of her sad, fearful heart. “I’m not going to leave you, or stop loving you, or ever want to be somewhere that’s not beside you. Trust me, have faith in me.”

“I do.”

“Then please try to stop hurting yourself and me with your fear. It affects us both and while it makes me ache, it absolutely slices you to pieces.”

“Thank you.” She kissed the column of his neck. “I know patience isn’t your strongest virtue.”

“I’ll be as patient as I need to be for you.”

They sat in silence as her breathing evened out. She looked like hell, eyes puffy from crying, hair streaked with tears and falling from her ponytail. He figured she must have felt worse with the way she gripped him so tightly. Her fingers eventually eased and she wrapped her arms around him, listening intently to his heartbeat.

“I know you’re telling the truth,” she said, breaking the silence. “I just keep dwelling on the idea that maybe it’s not the whole truth. I’ve been alone all my life. I had my peers at the temple growing up, but it wasn’t like the love of a family. I could be in a room with people, but I feel lonely without you.” Another choking sob escaped and she pulled herself swiftly together. “I don’t want to be alone anymore, Ben.”

“You’re not alone, sweetheart. I’m here, I'll always be here.”

“Promise me?”

“I’ve been promising you that for two years.” He kissed her forehead, nuzzled his way behind her defenses to kiss her cheeks, her nose, her chin, her ears—she was giggling by the time he’d pushed her down into the sheets, bodies pressed close together. “Cheer up, sunshine.”

“I’m trying.”

“Do you need more kisses?”

Lacing her fingers into his hair, she pulled him down for a final kiss, something heated and passionate, making his blood hot. “Yes, but later. I’d rather just…lay here with you for a little while, if that’s all right.”

He snuggled into her, happy to let her hold him. Her hands were restless up his back, down his sides, through his hair. She sighed every few minutes, but the sound wasn’t sad. She seemed content but contemplative, always thinking in that mechanic’s brain of hers. The kisses she absently put on his cheeks were as warm as the morning sunlight streaming across their bodies.

“I do have an answer for you,” she said softly, her voice close to sleep.

“Will I like it?”

She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t think you’ll dislike it. My answer is yes, but not yet.”

“Not yet?”

“We’re young. Hiding is hard. Wouldn’t you want to have a proper ceremony?”

“We could always do a second one.”

“I want to do it right once. I want your parents there, your friends, not just us hiding away in some forest glade with a total of one witness.”

“Fine,” he said with a yawn. “You promise to marry me and we’ll be wed however you want.”

“Deal.”

* * *

 

She didn’t intend to fall asleep, but Ben was warm, his bed was inviting, and all the internal conflict had made her exhausted. A nap was in order, and it was around midday when they woke. She needed it—it had been a long time since she’d caught up on sleep.

“This feels like a proper vacation,” he said when he woke, wrapping his arms around her. “No responsibilities, just sleep.”

“And an existential crisis.”

“Doesn’t sound very relaxing.”

She reached for his fingers where they met over her waist. “Do you want to get up and do something?”

“I can still show you around the base, if you’re so inclined. I want to shower first though, since I didn’t get to when we first woke up.”

Bed-headed and puffy-eyed, Rey stood and smoothed out her robes. She called her lightsaber to her from the bedside table once Ben had gone into the ‘fresher. There was a perfect small space on the hilt for the emblem he’d given her. It wasn’t so tricky now to disassemble to saber and attach a new piece, something that fit as though it had always belonged. It was a part of his heart, to be with her no matter where she was.

“Why did you choose leaves?” She asked when he returned.

“They’re for new growth and hope.”

“It’s beautiful, Ben.”

“Just like you, sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead. “Come, it’s a big place, we’ll be walking for a while.”

She wasn’t fearful of holding his hand this time. Fingers laced together, she had a little more hope and happiness in her heart. He pulled her closer into his body whenever the stopped for him to explain something, hungry to touch her, to know she was there beside him.

“It’s not too weird to call you my fiancée now, is it?”

“I don’t know who you’re going to be saying that to, but it’s a little weird.” She squeezed his hand. “It just doesn’t feel real yet, like when we took each other back after that first confession.”

“But it was real then, and it’s real now. The weirdness will fade.”

She nodded, leaning into his kiss. “Can you keep your hands off me for more than five minutes at a time?”

“No.” He kissed her again, eyes brighter than stars. “It’s a sickness I’m afraid, and you’re the only cure.”

“Someone’s going to see.”

“But who’s going to…”

His voice trailed off and she watched his expression turn from surprise to fury.

Oh, kriff.

They hadn’t been careful.

She let him step around her, frozen in place at the sight of Addy. She also looked shocked, but her face quickly changed to fear as Ben’s temper began to run hot. Rey had been on the receiving end of his full rage only once, and she herself was frightened to see it again.

“You’re not speaking a _word_ of this to anyone, especially not my uncle,” Ben spit, his aura spilling like molten lava. “I don’t care how you feel about it, I don’t care what pressure you feel. You squeak, and I will make your life hell. Do you understand?”

“I—”

“You do _not_ endanger her in any way. _Do you understand?_ ”

She looked close to tears. “Yes.”

“Good, now run along elsewhere. Pretend you didn’t see anything.”

Rey watched Adaline disappear, heart pounding in her chest. The adrenaline coursing through her bloodstream was screaming at her to put distance between them, to sprint in the other direction and hide until it was safe to come out. Instead, she waited for Ben to return to her side, anger blazing like a wildfire in his bones. He took her hand back and led her away, a monster rising in his chest. She could feel it, the darkness that followed at his heels, like the clicking of hooves on tile.

“Nothing will tear us apart,” he said firmly, gripping her fingers a little too tightly. “I won’t let you be taken away.”

A small fear began to bud next to the flowers in her ribcage. This flower was black, decaying, and had the potential of poisoning the soil. She hoped, very much, that she’d get an opportunity to prune it soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben honey what is you doing


End file.
